Blue Flame - Book 1: The Declaration
by CNell
Summary: Post-WYLB, J/E. During an official visit to the Trill homeworld, an obscure ritual will reveal a potential that Ezri Dax never realized she possessed – and a madman will stop at nothing to exploit it. (FINAL chapters added 12/27/01))
1. Prologue

**__**

Blue Flame

by Nell and Allronix

Book 1: The Declaration

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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us."  
_–Ralph Waldo Emerson_

Disclaimer: Paramount and Viacom own these folks. The plot's our idea. Suing a student and a customer service rep is pointless.

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Summary: Ezri Dax is ordered by the Symbiosis Commission to make a formal announcement of her Joining and present herself in front of the Symbiosis Board. Julian Bashir offers to accompany her to Trillian, and they turn the trip into a vacation. Once there, an obscure ritual will reveal a potential that Ezri never realized she possessed – and a madman will stop at nothing to exploit it. 

****

Prologue

Captain Theron of the Azure Guard rubbed his spotted neck as the lifeless body of a young man was placed on a hoverbed and sent from the room. He looked at his padd and brought up the file of the deceased. All the crucial information of the man's life, laid out in chronological black and white.

Theron held back a sigh. Such a short list. 

Despite that regret, his voice was completely neutral as he skimmed through the data. "Initiate Haltak Rheem, age twenty. A scholar of the arts with an emphasis in painting. Advanced degree in art history, with secondary honors in general history and music. Medical tests from a month ago showed perfect health. He was preparing to become a field docent in three months. So." He turned and faced the composed, elderly woman standing beside him. "Any ideas why he would suddenly drop dead, Mother Guardian?"

The Guardian – she'd introduced herself as Paela, he remembered – met his scrutiny with irritating calm. "Why are you asking me, Captain?"

Theron put his padd in the leather pouch attached to his belt and shrugged. He adjusted the pale blue tunic of his uniform around his broad shoulders. "You are the leader of this order, correct?"

"Yes."

"You're always near them – the Initiates, the Symbionts, Joined people. Figured you'd at least have a guess."

Her time-worn eyes glimmered a bit at this. She buried her hands in her smock and regarded him coolly. "If I may ask, sir, why is it that Unjoined folk like yourself assume we always have the answers?" 

Theron cracked his knuckles and paced around the quarters of the dead Initiate as his men combed for signs of foul play. "Because you Guardians and the Joined make a good show of pretending you always do." 

Paela seemed grimly amused for a moment. Then she sighed. "I know nothing more than you. A sudden neural failure – some kind of undetected brain anomaly. It's the third case this month."

"Mm." The captain paged to a different file. "The one before this was an Initiate in the Sen'tella Nations. Before that, an young Unjoined scholar in Parsee City. No apparent connection between any of them, and yet they were all young, Unjoined, and completely healthy until the day of their deaths." 

His expression became stern. "I don't believe in coincidences, Mother Guardian. Neurological diseases don't just appear out of nowhere these days, _especially_ among Initiates, the way you people constantly put their brains under the microscope. I'm opening a full-on investigation of this man's death – and the other two – by the Azure Guard."

Paela frowned, as if she wished she could find some way to argue that point. Still, she shrugged her shoulders. "The Board doctors examined him thoroughly. They say it's natural causes – an isolated incident."

Theron scowled and pulled a tricorder from his pocket, examining the ventilation and electrical systems. "They said that about the other kids, too."

*****

They managed to get fifteen minutes. Through tweaking schedules just enough and making the right arrangements, the dark hallways near the morgue of the hospital complex were completely deserted for fifteen minutes. In that time, two doctors, a man and a woman, slipped into the small room and begin their examination. 

"I'm detecting that neural energy did transfer, but the alignment was off." She passed her tricorder over the unseeing eyes. "Damn it. This isn't working."

The other doctor moved nervously around the room, glancing at the door. "How much of a transfer? At least tell me we're making _some _progress."

"Inconclusive," she muttered. "But it doesn't look like it. Will you stop pacing, please? I told you, we're clear."

"If you say so." Then he growled in frustration. "He was strong. The most stable neural pattern we've seen yet. If it didn't work with him, then we're right back where we started."

She gave her colleague a sharp look. "Then we'll find another way. We just have to keep trying."

"Maybe we should inject the next one with isoboramine, or use a suppression field?"

"Maybe." Folding her tricorder, she rearranged the drawer as she'd found it, half open with the sheet drawn away from the face. "I'll run some tests later - we might come up with something."

A tense silence fell. He glanced at the body, and his lips tightened. "We're going to have to tell him."

She seemed too busy putting everything back into place to reply. After a moment, he released a slow, tired sigh and spoke again. "Do you think this is worth it?"

Her reaction was immediate. She snapped around, her eyes narrowed. "Shut up," she hissed. "We don't give up on this, okay? And we don't ask stupid questions. You know what's at stake here."

"All right, all right," he said, lifting his hands defensively. "Keep it down. I'm not giving up on anything. I just... I don't know. If we _can't _find a way, and they keep dying...."

"So we don't let that happen," she insisted. "We find a way."

The uncertain scowl flickered again. Then he shrugged and let it drop. "Right. Come on, we'd better go. Not much time left."

She nodded stiffly. He checked the hallway, and in a moment the pair of them slipped out of the room, leaving Haltak Rheem to stare at the ceiling with eyes frozen in terror. 


	2. Chapter 1

****

Chapter 1

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Just tell me how we got this far  
Just tell me why you're here and who you are.

–_ Michelle Branch, "Everywhere to Me"_

Colonel Kira Nerys stood on the Promenade of Deep Space Nine, several long strides from the Bajoran shrine. She held her head high, her shoulders squared. Around her, the dwindling commotion of the evening continued on, and she took in its atmosphere with outward calm.

Inside, she was wondering if she would ever get used to it. The abrupt lull, the feeling of stunned disbelief – it was enough to drive her crazy.

It had happened so fast, and yet not fast enough. The Dominion War was over, the station returning to a port of call rather than Ground Zero. And the people living on the station still didn't know how to react. For the past few days, Kira had the feeling that they were all clinging to their routines, just for the sake of something ordinary and reliable. As she watched, a small group of Bajoran civilians were shopping at a food kiosk, and Quark's Bar had its usual knot of regulars, including Morn, who was just as much part of the place as the barstools. 

Yet all the changes were undeniable, and the silence of the Promenade hung like fog in the air. The station was a different place.

Kira sighed and shook her head. It was late – she should be walking back to her quarters. It seemed that she never managed to get from Ops to the Habitat Ring without the oddly hushed Promenade dragging her to a stop mid-way. 

She didn't know how long she'd been standing there when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"I know better than to ask if you're all right, but I will ask if you need someone to talk to."

The colonel turned. Ezri Dax stood next to her, waiting for an answer in her usual pose – hands clasped behind her back, head tilted slightly to one side. 

Kira tried not to jump. In some ways, the young Trill looked downright creepy when she did that – it was a pose her predecessor favored as well. Meeting the blue eyes that were so like Jadzia's and yet so opposite, Kira managed a smile. "Didn't you go off duty a long time ago?"

Ezri grinned. "Sorry, I can't leave my job at the door so easily. I see a person brooding and I can't help myself. Come on, I'm headed to the Habitat Ring. Talk to me about it?"

They started walking; Kira shrugged. "Not sure if there is much to talk about. We're all coping, as best we know how."

"But you have more to cope with than most," Ezri pointed out, lowering her head slightly. "If it's this hard for me to adjust, then ...." Her voice trailed off to an unspoken question. Kira smiled a bit. That was the counselor's way, disarming people by pointing out her own weaknesses. It was a practiced technique, and Kira was sharp enough to notice it. And yet she never had the heart to shut Ezri out.

"It's just... getting used to this," she said. "Things changed overnight, and now the people I usually talk to aren't here anymore. Odo's gone, Sisko's gone, O'Brien and Worf are gone. You and Bashir are the only ones of the 'old guard' that are still here." Kira frowned at Dax. "You two aren't planning on leaving, are you?"

Ezri chuckled, but shook her head. "My place is here, and I'm pretty sure the same goes for Julian."

"Well, that's one relief," Kira said.

They walked in silence for a while, in no hurry to get back. They passed the Infirmary, and by habit, Dax glanced through the wide doors. Dr. Bashir wasn't visible, but Kira didn't doubt he was in there, engrossed in one project or another. A subtle blend of emotions crossed Ezri's face; then she shook her head briskly, as if changing the subject of some inner conversation. "Any specific plans now that the war's over?"

Kira shrugged. "I might go to Bajor, if I find the time. I wanted to head to one of the temples in my home province – I hear it's being restored."

"That sounds like a good idea," the counselor replied eagerly. "Why don't you put in for it? It might help you sort things out."

"I'll do that once I've got things in shape around here," Kira said. "If I take a leave now I'll feel like I'm running away. What about you? Thinking of going back to see your family?" 

The reaction to that was a bit unexpected. Ezri flushed, glancing down at the floor. "Well...."

Kira's own face grew warm. She'd forgotten, for a moment, what she'd heard about Ezri's family problems – an overbearing mother, a stiff relationship with the eldest brother, another brother in prison. "Oh, I'm sorry – I didn't mean...." 

"Oh, it isn't that," Dax said. The pitch of her voice warned of nervous rambling. "Well, all right, it is that, a little. But there are other things I have to worry about back home. I mean, back on Trillian. I didn't grow up there myself, I lived in a mining colony on Sappora VI." 

The colonel gave her a skeptical look. "Is there something I should know about?"

Ezri waved it off. "Oh, nothing really. I just got a transmission from the Symbiosis Commission. They want me to go back to Trillian for a few days. Answer some questions, get checked out, make certain nothing's gone wrong with my Joining. Just a formality," she was quick to add.

It sounded like a bigger deal than Dax was making it out to be. Kira frowned. "Have you put in for it?"

"Well, I don't have to do it right away," Ezri said.

"Trust me, I won't fall to pieces. If you need to go back to Trillian, go back."

Ezri shook her head. "Really, it's nothing you need to worry about right now."

Kira smiled slyly. "Sorry, counselor – I can't leave my job at the door either. If you have obligations, you need to get them taken care of so you can focus on your job with a clear head. You have a lot of people counting on you to help them with _their _problems, and you'll be no good to anyone if you're avoiding your own."

"Okay, okay," Dax said with a resigned laugh. "Fair enough, Nerys. I'll put in a request tomorrow – _if _you promise me you'll get that trip to Bajor planned as soon as possible." 

"All right, deal. Look, why don't you make a vacation of it? Take Julian along if you want. I was thinking of giving him time off, too. After coming back from Cardassia, I think he could use a vacation and a counselor as much as anyone."

Ezri looked decidedly uncomfortable. "Look, about Julian...."

For some reason, Kira suddenly felt alarmed. "What? It didn't work out?"

"No. Yes! I mean... no, that's not what I meant." 

Kira groaned. "Please tell me you're not coming apart at the seams, Ezri. We have enough things to be upset about already."

"No no no," Dax said sheepishly. "We're doing all right. It's just ... sometimes I worry. It's all happening so fast – the war had a lot to do with it. I'm starting to wonder if I'm being fair to him. We're...." She trailed off and shook her head with a troubled frown. "I don't know."

"Well, that does it," the colonel said. "I'm putting in a request for you both. Get off my station and do some thinking. Go together, go separately, it's your choice – but I want you out of here."

"Look, Nerys...."

Kira stopped in her tracks and physically blocked Ezri from going further. "No, I don't want to hear it. Damned if I'll have the both of you fall to pieces. I can do without you and Julian for a few weeks, but I can't afford to have you leaving things unresolved. That's an order, Lieutenant." 

*****

It was turning out to be one of those nights that dragged on minute by minute, and she knew she should get some sleep but somehow couldn't motivate herself beyond restless fidgeting. Rubbing at a dull, fretful headache behind her temples, Ezri sat down on the bed, placing a mug of tea on the nightstand. Her second cup that evening. She'd be awake for hours yet.

She had to nudge a padd over to make room for the mug, and because there was nothing else to do, she picked it up. The Trillian emblem was placed neatly at the top corner of the document, immediately announcing it as news of the greatest importance. Because receiving word from the Trill Symbiosis Commission took priority over everything else. Or so they liked to think.

Almost out of spite, she read it again.

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Ezri Tigan Dax:

We ask you to come to Trillian at the nearest possible opportunity to Declare yourself in front of the Symbiosis Commission. While we have offered a reluctant acceptance of your Joining due to its unusual circumstances, we still need to assess your suitability and examine you for signs of rejection or incompatibility. Failure to Declare yourself will result in summary judgment. 

I will be presiding over your case personally. Further questions may be directed to the enclosed address. 

Regards,

Tallis Krafor, Head Magistrate, TSC

With a groan, she tossed the padd back to the nightstand and collapsed backward across the bed. A little over one year ago, the Symbiosis Commission had barely been aware of her existence and she'd been glad for it. Their stiff regulations, their insufferable condescension – Ezri had been more than happy to put as much distance between herself and them as possible. 

Leave it to her to end up Joined to one of the most conspicuous and controversial Symbionts in her planet's history.

She wondered – not for the first time – what would have happened if she had said no. Just stood there in the _Destiny's_ sickbay, faced the doctor, and said "No." They couldn't order her to go though with the Joining – her action was completely voluntary. What would her life be if she were still only Ezri Tigan? Her imagination wandered. She'd probably just make lieutenant junior grade by now. Still ignored by Trillian, and blithely ignoring them in turn. Perhaps working toward her first head counselor's position.

The rebellious appeal she found in those thoughts abruptly dissolved. She sighed and curled up, pillowing her head on her arm. If Ezri had refused to become Joined, no matter what right she had to do so, Dax would have died. How would she have been able to look at herself in the mirror, knowing that? And she never would have known the memories of the eight people before her, memories as fascinating as they were unsettling. She never would have met the wonderful people those memories drew her to. Gods, the three lifetimes worth of things she would thank Ben Sisko for....

The doorchime to her quarters sounded. "Who is it?"

His voice came over the comm. "Are you busy, Ezri?"

A slight smile curled her lips. She rolled over onto her back, hugging her arms across her chest. "Not really, Julian. Come on in."

The door hissed open, and he poked his head in, searching the front room.

"Bedroom, sweetheart."

She heard Julian cross the living room and pause in the open doorway. As he saw her lying on the bed, he released a deep sigh. "That looks like an incredibly good idea. May I join you?"

She grinned and patted the mattress. Striding over, he collapsed beside her with a muffled groan, long limbs tossed carelessly. Ezri looked over and couldn't help laughing.

"What's funny?"

"You look like a _treila _monkey sprawled like that."

One brown eye opened. "I don't want to move."

He sounded as tired as he looked. Ezri laid a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, the swell of warm affection still slightly self-conscious. Retaining Jadzia's motherly instinct toward the young doctor made this relationship interesting, to say the least. "You okay?"

Eyes still closed, Julian nodded slightly. "Mm-hm."

"What were you working on so late, anyway? You were in the infirmary for at least six hours straight."

He seemed to consider making some generic answer, then decided against it with a small frown. "I was looking for information. Medical relief programs for ecological disaster victims."

__

Cardassia. A topic he referred to in clipped, clinical phrases when he spoke of it at all. Knowing him from the odd double perspective that she did, Dax felt she had a better idea than most of how much that part of the war had affected him. She moved closer to him and he slipped his arm around her waist in silent gratitude.

"You know I'm here if you want to talk," she said gently.

Julian opened his eyes and smiled at her. "Thanks. Maybe later." Just as gently, he changed the subject. "Question?"

"Sure."

"Can you explain to me why Kira stormed into the Infirmary thirty minutes ago and demanded I take two weeks of leave, effective almost immediately?"

Ezri laughed sheepishly. "The same reason she ordered me to take two weeks of leave, effective almost immediately."

It didn't take Julian long to guess the colonel's intent. His eyebrow quirked up, and he propped his head up with one hand. "Hmm. Both of us at the same time, eh? Remarkable coincidence."

"Don't be too hard on her," Ezri said. "You know Kira – she's protective of her own. She just wants us to give us time to think things over."

Julian hesitated at this, and her face grew warm as she sensed the silent question trailing those words. But he didn't press the issue, and she felt a guilty relief at the consideration.

"So," he said neutrally. "What do you want to do?"

Ezri sighed. "Well, one week is decided for me already. I have to go back to Trillian and Declare myself."

"I'm not sure what that means," he said, sounding a little intrigued.

She rolled her eyes at the thought. Even if she wasn't entirely comfortable discussing it, she was suddenly eager to vent some of her frustration. "It means that I parade myself in front of the Symbiosis Board and say 'Hi, I'm Joined.' They do a cursory examination of me, note my name and other personal information in their records, give me hours of lectures on the behavior befitting a 'Parent of Society,' and send me off again." She made a face. "And because I'm such a special case, I'm sure there will be twice as many hoops to jump through this time. I even have the honor of Tallis Krafor residing at my hearing."

Julian raised his eyebrows. "And he is...?"

"Head of the Symbiosis Commission," Ezri said with mock aplomb.

His arm at her waist tensed in what might have been a small hug, an irritated reaction, or a little bit of both. "Oh, dear."

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up," she said. "Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to this very much. I – Dax, I mean – I've been living in space for so long. I didn't even go back to Trillian to be Rejoined as most do. And for me as Ezri, I never even knew the place. It isn't my home, and right now it's the last place I want to go."

He chuckled, but the humor was a commiserating one. "I think I can relate to that. How long is it going to take?"

Ezri huffed a breath upward, blowing her hair out of her eyes. "The rituals and examinations last three days, and there are a few days of paperwork before and after. I just want to get it over with and leave. It's going to be irritating and intrusive and definitely not something you'd want to get involved in." Half-rising to face him, she put on a smile. "We could do something together afterward. There's always Risa, or...." She drew a blank and trailed off, bemused. Yes, there was always Risa – did people go anywhere else for their vacations these days?

But to her surprise, Julian didn't seem to pay much attention to the suggestion. Facing her squarely, he creased his brow in a thoughtful frown. "Why wouldn't I want to be there for you, Ezri?"

The question caught her off guard. She blinked, then blushed a little. "Oh, I didn't mean it like that. Are you saying you _do _want to?"

"Well, I like to think I'm good at moral support," he said warmly. "And anyway, I didn't get a very good look at Trillian the last time I was there. I'd be glad to come along."

A tentative smile spread across her face. Bringing Julian to the Trill homeworld would complicate things a bit, and yet the thought of having a close friend nearby during the Declaration was an appealing one. "Really?"

He grinned. "If you'll have me."

She hesitated for a second, then nodded. "Okay."

Julian looked pleased. He stretched out on his back and beckoned to her; Ezri settled comfortably against his shoulder. "I'm warning you," she said. "Spending a week in the symbiosis facilities of the capitol city is no pleasure cruise."

"They make you stay in the complex the entire time? That's a bit stern."

Ezri shrugged. "They don't really make you stay. Most people do. It's a traditional thing."

"That was before transporters were invented," he scoffed. "If they don't make you stay, why stay?"

"Well, it makes the Commission grumpy if you don't, for one thing."

"Oh, and that always stops you."

Ezri had to laugh. "We're not even there yet and already you're trying to get me into trouble."

"Always," he teased. He put his arm around her and rested his chin on the top of her head. "But I'm serious. There has to be some place you'd enjoy staying in between sessions. We can beam to the capitol for the Declaration and spend the rest of the time relaxing."

Ezri shook her head wryly, but she couldn't deny that the idea made her feel a bit better. Maybe this wouldn't go so badly after all. "I suppose we could go to Caysil City Beach. It's beautiful this time of year, even if it isn't peak tourist season. See the ocean, the markets...."

"You in a swimsuit...." 

She laughed again. "Audacity, thy name is Julian."

"Guilty as charged," he said airily.

Ezri grinned. Then, because he'd made it a point to cheer her up, she leaned in and kissed him. "Thanks."


	3. Chapter 2

****

Chapter 2

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If you want you can get to know me well  
We get along so we shouldn't argue  
And I don't know, said I don't know  
All these feelings, cloud up my reasoning  
Cloud up my reasoning.

–_ matchbox 20, "Argue"_

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Oh, not again....

Ezri took a slow, deep breath, bracing herself against the armrests of her chair. This was getting ridiculous. It hadn't even been ten minutes since they'd left Deep Space Nine, and already her stomach felt like it was turning summersaults. She even thought she felt Dax shiver grumpily inside her at the nausea. 

Seated to her right, Julian flicked a glance in her direction but didn't say anything. Piloting the _U.S.S. Niabrara _out of Bajor's solar system was an engrossing task, thankfully; he didn't have time to ask her any potentially embarrassing questions. Or, she amended, if he did, he was being kind enough to ignore it. There was a hypospray in the back, he'd made sure she knew where it was, and that was all she asked of him at this point. 

Ezri didn't want to resort to medication just yet. Keeping her breaths slow and even, she tried to focus her mind on something else. It was almost funny, she thought, how fast Kira had passed their leave request and tumbled them into the first runabout available. There had been a glimmer of frazzled relief in the colonel's eyes and voice when Ezri announced their plans to go to Trillian together. An interesting reaction, Ezri's counselor side noted. Perhaps Kira, in dealing with grief over her own lost relationship with Constable Odo, felt the need to see at least some of her friends having luck with romance. Which might be considered intrusive to a certain extent, but it was something Ezri was willing to accept for Nerys' sake. Even if it put extra pressure on both Julian and Ezri to keep their relationship stable. Did Julian notice Kira's enthusiasm...?

The runabout turned gently to starboard, bringing another wave of queasiness. Ezri groaned.

Julian looked at her longer this time, betraying his concern. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Fine." 

"All right." He returned his attention to the helm with some effort. 

__

Really convincing, Ezri. Abruptly, she sat straight. "Actually, no – I'm uncomfortable."

Julian blinked at her. "What do you mean?"

Ezri wore a bright smile as she turned to him. She pulled at her collar. "Um, the – the uniform, I mean – it's getting uncomfortable. You know, they've always been so restrictive. Don't you think so? I think so. I'm going to go in the back and change."

"O... kay," Julian said after a long beat. It looked like he was trying to decide what her motives were, and Ezri found herself desperately praying he wouldn't take it as suggestive flirting. Fortunately, he only seemed perplexed. "I'll just stay up here, then."

"Great," she said cheerfully, jumping from her seat. She tried not to walk too fast as she left the cockpit. "Back in a moment."

Once she was safely out of sight in the runabout's cabin, Ezri allowed herself a small, frustrated sigh. Her stomach lurched again, and she leaned on the doorframe, swallowing hard. Her space sickness always had the happy tendency to assert itself in awkward moments, and the situation at the helm had been no help. The _Defiant's _abrupt movements were bad enough, but runabouts could sometimes be worse. They never failed to bring up lingering memories of the shuttles Torias Dax had flown in his days as an Azure Guard test pilot. 

And that, of course, could lead to memories of his last moments if she wasn't careful. Torias had been sitting in the seat to port side of his small craft, watching the stars streak across the viewscreen, just before an explosion had claimed his life. The blinding flash of that memory was still so strong in Dax's mind that on some occasions, Ezri found sitting on the port side of a runabout's helm almost unbearable.

This was one of those times. 

Sitting on the bunk, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. Julian would have promptly switched seats if she'd asked, Ezri knew. But she hadn't, and she didn't plan to. If she asked, Julian would want to know why and Ezri would have to tell him, and seeing the blend of embarrassment and protective sympathy in his eyes would only make her feel worse. 

And such was the story of their relationship thus far, Dax thought wryly. 

__

But I've made a decision to change that. She tried to inject confidence into the thought. Her travel bag lay on the floor next to the bunk, and she stared at it morosely. There was something tucked inside the bag, an old heirloom of past Hosts that she'd dug up on impulse just before they'd left. It was for both of them, her and Julian, and with any luck it would clear the air of any lingering doubts. 

Now if she could only gather up the courage to tell him.

*****

"And here I thought we were past the uncomfortable pauses stage," Julian mumbled. In the empty cockpit, his voice fell a little flat. 

Shaking his head, he sat back in his chair. This wasn't the first time this week that Ezri had seemed distant and preoccupied. The stiffness to their conversation made him a bit uneasy – and at the same time, guilty for feeling uneasy. From the sound of things, Ezri had a lot on her mind. It wasn't fair to blame her for not being herself, with this vaguely ominous Declaration hanging over her head. 

Yet it felt like there was something else to Ezri's discomfort, and Julian hadn't the faintest idea what that was. Ironic, that he would know this woman for a year and be closer to her than ever, and still have no insight into what went on in her head. Was she upset about their friends leaving? Was she thinking about Worf, or perhaps Captain Sisko? Was she trying to grasp some kind of meaning from the war that had just ended?

Was she thinking about him?

Julian tipped his head back. The stars went by outside the viewport, and he let his vision focus along the gliding tunnel of motion they made. It was pointless to wonder what particular complex inner argument Ezri was grappling with, he decided. It could be any or all of the things he'd guessed at, or something entirely different. They all had secret thoughts of their own these days. If anything, the counselor was more apt to be wondering about Julian's state of mind, not the other way around. 

So he understood if she wasn't very talkative. It didn't help his own nagging doubts, but he could deal with that. 

His thoughts drifted, as they tended to do along this train of thought. Everything had been so abrupt, a rapid-fire sequence of events over the course of a few short months. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he had a memory of arriving at DS9 seven years ago, brimming with enthusiasm, eager to rebuild a world and begin one of his own. Brash, idealistic, full of spectacular, arrogant confidence.

Those early years – in his mind, they slipped by like moments. It all came hurtling down to now. 

The war had closed in around the station. At almost the same stroke, the secret of his genetic enhancements had been blown wide open. Section 31 had made its appearance to him soon after, shattering yet another ideal. And through everything, he kept seeing the parade of casualties march through the Infirmary, and all he could do was patch them up so they could get blown to bits again by some Dominion cruiser. 

Then Jadzia had died. Cruelly, without dignity, without reason. For a long time, that young man who'd come to the station looking for a brighter future was gone. What was left was duty, and not much else.

He had just acclimated himself to the colder realities of the universe when Ezri Dax arrived on Deep Space Nine, painfully young and carrying a burden she was still trying to understand. She was the most welcome change, though she was one of the most drastic ones. Was it only days ago that he saw the petite stranger flitting through the crowded Promenade? She seemed so young and so different that he thought that there was no way she could have been Jadzia's successor, but when she turned and looked right at him with those stunning blue eyes, there was no mistaking her for anyone other than Dax – and a lot of very difficult memories were forced to the surface.

The wound of Jadzia's death still fresh, his first instinct had been to keep her at arm's length. And even after friendship had quickly developed, seeing traces of Jadzia in the way Ezri moved and spoke was hard to deal with. It was a constant struggle to keep that ghost out of the way, try to see Ezri for who she was and let her fight her battles for herself. 

Needless to say, falling in love with her had been one of the most frightening things he'd ever done. Even after they'd put their feelings out in the open and decided to begin a relationship, there were a lot of uncertainties that he barely knew how to approach. He often found both of them avoiding sensitive topics to keep things smooth between them, and sometimes that bothered him. There were still so many unanswered questions. 

But he knew he loved her, with an intensity that approached fascination. More than anything, he wanted this to work.

Now, as unbelievable as it was, the war was over. They'd survived, and they had a moment of calm where they could at least try to sort things out. Julian smiled to himself. They'd made it this far. Maybe there was a chance to go about things again – a little wiser, a little battle-scarred, but still retaining hope.

Soon enough, Julian's pensive thoughts fell to the side. Ezri still hadn't returned. Perhaps fifteen minutes passed in easy silence before he began to wonder what she was doing. Changing clothes couldn't be taking this long, not with Ezri's practical style. He waited a few minutes longer, then did a quick check of the helm and put the runabout on autopilot. She had a marked history of nausea on runabouts, and if that was the problem here, it would be shameful for DS9's chief medical officer to lounge about up front and not do anything about it. 

He reached the door to the runabout's tiny cabin and stopped abruptly. Ezri wasn't sick. She hadn't gone much further than removing her jacket and turtleneck, as far as changing went. She was pacing, oblivious to his presence, muttering something to herself over and over as if practicing a presentation of some sort. She held two small objects, and she fuddled with them as she moved, unable to keep her hands still. Julian only indulged his confusion for a moment before stepping back out of view and discretely coughing as he pretended to be just entering the room. 

Even so, Ezri almost jumped out of her skin when she heard him. "Julian!" she yelped. "Gods...."

He couldn't hold back a smile this time. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. What, um... what are you up to?"

"Uh..." she stammered. She put her hands behind her back, both to try for a nonchalant pose and to hide whatever it was she held. Then she seemed to change her mind, and displayed the objects in front of her, taking a steadying breath. They were two small, white boxes, one slightly larger than the other. "Well, I'd hoped I could give this to you later, but I think I'll lose my nerve if I wait any longer. This is for you." She handed the larger box to him.

"Thank you," he said, pleased and a little taken aback. "What is it?" 

"Open it and see," she said predictably, grinning. He smirked a little and opened the box. Nestled in the plush fabric lining was a thin but heavy chain of some silvery copper metal. A half-silver, half-copper octagonal charm with a Trill hieroglyph on one side hung from the chain. At the bottom of the charm was a copper loop to match the silver one on top, meaning it could be worn several different ways. Puzzled, Julian pulled it from the box and examined it. It looked old, almost antique, and it was a fine piece of work – but what about it was making Ezri blush?

Dax waved him over to sit on the one small stool, then sat across from him on the bunk. "It's a pledge chain," she said, and suddenly the necklace felt just a tad heavier to Julian. Shyly, Ezri dropped her gaze to the floor, then made herself meet his eyes. "I hope I'm not being too forward."

Julian took a moment to steady himself before replying. "Well, how forward is it, exactly?" he said, keeping his voice light. "What does it mean?"

The request offered the refuge of impartial explanation, and Ezri accepted it eagerly. She opened the other box and showed him the same charm on the same necklace, scaled down to a feminine style. "Okay. It's a bit of an old tradition – nothing as serious as exchanging rings like Humans do. At least, not this way. See, if you wear the plain side with the silver up, it means soul-friends – someone you would trust to walk into the Pits of Armak with, but nothing past that. Worn the way I strung it – with the carved side out and the silver up – it means you and that person are 'involved.'" She turned the charm over in her fingers. "Worn with the plain side out, and the copper up, it means that you and that person are engaged. With the carved side out, and the copper on top...." She turned the shade of a command uniform. "That means married."

"Oh." _Married. _A few years earlier, and the idea would have been unthinkable. But then again, a few years earlier, Ezri Dax would have been unthinkable. Julian smiled at her, curious. "I never saw Jadzia or Worf wearing one of these." 

Despite her embarrassment, Ezri grinned wickedly. "That's because Jadzia and Worf preferred the Klingon way. They shared a ceremonial par'machai blade. Worf took it with him, or I'd show you. Blood all over the thing." 

It was Julian's turn to blush. "I'll...um...take your word on it, Ezri. Besides, this looks far saner."

She looked like she might agree with that. Then she hugged her arms to her waist and looked at him with a half-eager, half-uncertain expression that warmed him to the bottom of his heart. "I'm going too fast, aren't I? I'm sorry, I don't want to make you uncomfor—"

His hands closing over hers stopped the contrite words short. Holding her gaze, Julian slipped Ezri's charm from her fingers and looped it around her neck, settling it in place with gentle care. She held still, watching his movements with clear eyes, then took his necklace and did the same for him. For a moment, the little ritual was solemn and touching.

Then she smiled sheepishly, and the moment passed. Julian grinned back and gave her a light hug before releasing her. "See now, that wasn't so hard."

"No. I guess not." There was still a slight color to her face, but her expression was easier. Julian moved across the small space to sit next to her on the bunk, and she didn't seem to object. They were very close but not facing each other, and it helped. For the moment, they'd reached a tentative common ground.

When she spoke again, there was a meditative quality to her tone, a sense that she was taking care with the words she chose. "I don't know why I picked now. I wasn't sure how you'd react, and... I'm still not quite sure how you see all of this."

Julian replied with the same caution. "You mean, you wonder if I'm still in love with her."

He didn't need to say who "she" was. It was somewhat of a mutual agreement that kept talk of Jadzia to a minimum. All the same, it was surprising how relieved he was to finally put that thought into words.

"That's part of it," she admitted. "Though I don't worry about that so much anymore."

"Good," he said firmly. "You shouldn't have to."

She made a soft sound of agreement. "I've been through that before. There was a lot of substitution between Worf and I at first. I'm just glad he – and I – figured everything out before too much damage was done."

"Or before you lost the chance," he said. "With everything that was going on, it was no time to leave things unsaid."

"I know." She looked at him for a moment, her expression serious. "We've both had to make a lot of decisions based on not knowing if we'd be alive the next morning, Julian. And now that it's over, part of me wonders if it's fair to you to go so fast."

So that was it. Julian smiled; out in the open, the fear was much easier to face. "This was my choice as much as yours, Ezri. You know that."

"I know," she said. Her expression softened, and she touched the chain of her necklace. "That's why I wanted you to have this. There are a lot of old memories to face, and it might not be very easy, but I just wanted you to know. I'm not giving up."

"Neither am I." Julian felt better already. He grinned at her. "Especially with two weeks' vacation in a tropical resort to start things off."

Ezri laughed, giving him a pointed look. "_Slowly, _Julian. One day at a time."

He pulled a straight face. "Sounds like fine advice, Counselor."


	4. Chapter 3

****

Chapter 3

__

I got something to say you know but nothing comes  
Yes I know what you think of me  
You never shut up

–_ Tori Amos, "Silent All These Years"_

Caysil City was a small, relatively quiet place, a remnant of Trillian's merchant days of centuries past, when graceful windships made their way in and out of port and took refuge in the calm waters of the bay. A few of those ships still made their runs out to sea, through the narrow inlet and over the vast Southern Ocean, but theirs were far more enjoyable quests now that intercontinental trade was made all but obsolete by replicators and transporters. 

Now, Caysil's bustling atmosphere attracted tourists from across the globe and from distant worlds. Old-fashioned, plentiful markets were held on fine mornings in the mosaic-paved squares, ships sailed across the bay to the amphitheaters and performance halls of the Arts District each night, and the famous beaches never failed to provide alluring vacation spots. Trillian was already noted for its oceans, their heavy mineral concentration causing the water to reflect a blue so deep it was closer to indigo; here, the bone-white sand of the coast made the bay shimmer in thousands of amethyst colors. 

It gleamed so brightly beneath the morning sun that Julian had to squint against the glare. But he wasn't about to retreat into the gloomy indoors of the hotel; he stood out on the balcony of their room with the hot sunlight and cool ocean breeze on his face and let his eyes sting all they liked. 

"Unbelievable," he murmured.

Walking out to join him, Ezri smiled at his reaction. "Quite a view, isn't it?"

"You could say that," he replied, a little breathless. "It's funny – I never thought I'd like a sea that color."

"Well, Caysil's the only place in the Alpha Quadrant that can get away with it," Dax said, as if that was a good explanation for a lot of things around here. "The water's warm, too, almost hot in some places. There are a few therapy spas down there, along the coast," and she lifted her arm to point across the beautiful city that spread before them, to some low buildings tucked among groves of flowering trees that had just reached full spring bloom. "We could go visit one of them later, if you like."

Julian glanced idly in that direction. "It's a possibility. We certainly have plenty of time to look around." He turned to look at Ezri, enjoying the way the wind tousled her hair over her eyes. "I still can't believe you got a spot here on such short notice."

"Oh...." She turned to look back at the old, elegant hotel behind them and blushed slightly. "It's off-season for tourism, of course. And... well, I guess my reputation precedes me."

Which was a half-hearted attempt to joke about the fact that her Joined status almost guaranteed her a spot among Trillian's upper class, and consequently put her name on the VIP list. Julian had overheard her at the front desk, making it absolutely clear that she didn't want anyone giving up their room to grant her a spot. She needn't have worried, the attendant had told her; there was plenty of vacancy and would be for another month. And still, Ezri had checked and then double-checked before reluctantly accepting one of the beach-view suites. Inwardly, Julian kicked himself; he should have known to avoid that topic.

She gazed out over this particular view of Trillian, her expression pensive. Then she turned and walked back inside. Julian followed her into the living area. With generically pretty art prints on the walls and plants set in poetic corners, the room looked airy and comfortable. Ezri stopped in the middle of the carpeted floor, crossing her arms in front of her.

"I guess we should unpack," she said absently. 

Julian shrugged. "No hurry." Walking up behind her, he laid a hand on her back. A muscle there felt stiff; out of habit, he pressed his fingers against the tension. She tipped her head in response, and he massaged along the curve of her shoulder.

Ezri sighed lightly. "You enjoy this, don't you?"

"Me? Oh, no. I'm doing this for physical therapy. Strictly professional." He leaned down to kiss the nape of her neck. "You look tired."

"Maybe a little," she said. "It was a long trip."

"Will you have time to rest before we head to the capitol?"

She snorted. "I've contacted the Commission to tell them of our arrival. If my first meeting isn't scheduled bright and early tomorrow morning, it'll be the morning after that." Turning slightly, she gazed up at him. "These sessions will take a long time, and they won't let you sit in on them. You don't have to beam over if you don't want to."

"I do want to," Julian said softly. He stopped massaging and wrapped his arms around her. 

Ezri leaned into him, but she didn't relax; he could feel her holding herself in. After a silent moment, she shifted restlessly. He released her, and she paced across the room.

"I think I might take a short walk to stretch my legs a little," she said, rubbing her arms. The tone of her voice was not an invitation.

"Sure." Julian listened to his own voice and decided it was casual enough. Grabbing their luggage, he walked toward the bedroom. "I guess I could use a shower while you're gone."

"Yeah," she said quickly. "Look, Julian... wait a second." 

He turned around. The affection in Ezri's face was a little awkward, but only a little. She pulled the bags away from him and set them down, then reached out and hugged him tightly. "Sorry for being bad company at the moment. I'll be in a better mood by the time I get back."

"Don't worry about it," he said. "I understand."

Ezri tilted her head back to smile at him. "And I promise I'll make it up to you later." 

"Now, I will hold you to that," he teased. "But take your time. Contrary to popular opinion, I can function when you're not in the room."

"That's good to know." She kissed him tenderly, then slipped from his arms. "I'll be back soon."

*****

The air was soft. It was the most vivid memory Ezri had about this place -- the wind of Caysil's climate was gentle and warm in any season. Now, in the spring, it was also perfumed as the fruit trees bloomed throughout the city. It was soothing as it touched her face.

The mining colony where Ezri grew up had been as industrial-looking and sterile as Deep Space Nine. Sunlight and trees were rare sights – greater treasures than what the mines yielded. As a result, she had developed an appreciation, almost a craving, for green and growing things. It was almost silly how much of a black thumb she used to have.... 

Well, Jadzia's black thumb, anyway.

Wandering where her feet took her, she walked down a service road that ran behind the old hotels on the ridge, overlooking the city and the shining bay. It was picturesque, lined with groves of tall plants and coastal trees welcoming her with their many hues of green. Through the screen of leaves to her right, she could catch glimpses of the city and water below; to her left, a wooded park offered cool shade. Small birds and flying insects darted from tree to tree and around grasses as tall as she was. 

A small footpath branched off into the park, and on a whim Ezri took it. The path rambled up to a small bridge spanning a stream, the kind of tropical waterfall that looked cliché on postcards but seemed perfectly natural here. 

She paused on the bridge to stand in a patch of sunlight, almost purring as she inhaled deeply and spread her arms wide. The air and sun wrapped itself around her like an embrace. Warmth was something she'd never take for granted again – not after a few days shivering in a Breen brig.

That thought sobered her. She was glad that Worf's report and logs contained only the most sterile details of the incident. Even if the Commission didn't know, _she_ knew she was guilty of one of the heaviest taboos on the books. If they ever did find out, it wouldn't be pretty.

But she shook her head determinedly. If the TSC knew anything, they wouldn't have bothered with a Declaration hearing at all. Besides, right now they were a few thousand kilometers away and not worth thinking about when the sunlight was hot on her shoulders. This softness, this warmth – it was why she'd chosen to come here. Caysil merrily defied all rules, all protocol. There was no other city in the world so completely at odds with the grim focus and order that waited for her in Parsee City, Trillian's capitol. 

Ezri sighed, trying to push the Declaration out of her minds. _I feel better_, she thought, as if to convince herself. _It doesn't weigh so heavily now, and in three days it'll all be over. Nothing to worry about._ Then she smirked, and answered herself out loud. "Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

"Keep telling myself what?"

She must have jumped a meter into the air at the unexpected voice. "Winds!" she gasped, using the Trillian oath by pure force of habit. "I'm so sorry, I thought I was alone!"

A large man with dark hair and olive skin that made his spots almost blend in stood behind her. He gave her a startled grin, lifting his hands in a placating gesture. "It's okay, ma'am, I guess I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that."

Ezri laughed nervously and stood aside to give him room on the bridge. As he walked up, she saw he was dressed in a hotel uniform. His jacket hung open, and she guessed he was either on his way to work for the day or going home from a graveyard shift. "No, you're all right, really," she said. Then she grinned back to cover for her embarrassment. "It's not like you were interrupting anything important."

He chuckled. "Talking to yourself?"

"Afraid so. And I don't find me to be the greatest conversationalist at the moment, either."

"Oh, I'm sure whatever you had to say was fascinating." He paused, watching her with new curiosity. "Hey, listen, I know I just met you five seconds ago, but you seem like the compassionate type. If you have a minute, we could talk about something else...."

"Well, you see...." Ezri took the smallest of steps back. "That's sweet of you, but I'm here with someone."

The man shook his head vigorously, digging through his shoulder bag. "Oh, don't worry – I'm not flirting with you at all," he said, making her smirk at herself. "I just have something you might be interested in reading." He found what he was looking for – a small, cheaply-made data padd, one of many that he was carrying with him. "I was set to hand these out later today, once I was out of uniform. You know, bad for the company image and all that. But I probably won't run into you again, so I figure, why not?"

Ezri smiled. "Sure. I know what you mean about behaving in uniform. I'm on leave from Starfleet."

The man brightened. "Wonderful! Then you know about other races – more so than most people here." He gleefully handed her the padd, and she activated it. 

He kept talking, his tone rising to a practiced, eager pitch. "I'd say this is the best time to get this message out to as many people as possible. A large meeting of Joined educators is coming to my hotel. Talk about bad customers. Most of them seem to think the world belongs to them." He scowled and leaned over her shoulder to gesture at the document. "And Winds, it does. Did you know the Unjoined make up only five percent of all government positions? Or that they make up only 15% of university educators, despite being 90% of the population?"

Ezri felt some of her tension return as she realized what she was holding – the political statement of an anti-Joined political group. She managed to come up with a safe reply. "You just said the reason I took Starfleet over Initiate training."

"I think you got the better deal, frankly. Why give up the experience of new cultures and perspectives just to prostitute yourself to some slug that considers itself better than the rest of us? 'Parents of Society,' indeed – the Joined don't seem to be doing much to nurture us, if you ask me." He tapped his fingers on the bridge's rail. "There are even rumors of the Commission taking sudden interest in young Initiates, and weeks later the kids vanish or turn up dead. And of course, the Azure Guard is sitting on all the proof..."

By this point, Dax had no idea how to untangle herself from this conversation. She focused on the pamphlet to hide the discomfort in her face. The organization was called the Brotherhood, and this was their quarterly newsfeed. Mostly political propaganda, and a lot of damning statistics that she already knew. One out of every four Initiates showing signs of depression, one out of every ten having contemplated suicide at some point during their training, Unjoined workers having little access to high paying jobs and top-notch education, school curriculum that was almost completely funneled through the Symbiosis Commission.... 

There was truth to a lot of those claims. Still, Ezri pursed her lips at the tone of the arguments. Several of the editorials looked overly harsh. Particularly spiteful was the caricature of a bloated Joined sitting in a silk-draped litter with a Guardian on a leash curled next to him, carried on the backs of four Unjoined slaves.

"Well, some of us are trying to fight back," the man continued. "There are directions to our meeting in a couple weeks. I'm sure we'd look forward to having you."

Ezri swallowed and shook her head. "I ... don't think you'd want me there."

"We welcome everyone interested in an equal say for the Unjoined," he said earnestly. He thrust out a hand. "I'm Janeth Lohs, by the way." 

She hesitated. Then she took a deep breath and shook his hand. "Ezri Dax."

He reacted exactly as she'd feared he would. Recognition swept visibly over his features, followed closely by contempt. He dropped her hand and took a step away from her. "Dax. You're a Joined?"

"That's right."

Lohs' expression twisted into a scowl. "Read the pamphlet then, _Parent_, and figure out why many of us 'children' are so upset."

"No, I agree with most of this. It's just the tone is a little.... " 

"Too close to home?" he said acidly. "You certainly don't act Joined, do you? Trying to patronize me, I suppose. You must boast an actress or a courtesan among your past Hosts."

Ezri slipped into her most calming demeanor, one that worked most of the time with irate and agitated patients. "I didn't start this conversation to argue with you. I think you have a lot of valid points."

"Of course we do," he snapped. "But it doesn't make much of a difference to you, does it?"

With that, he pushed past her and stormed off the bridge. He soon slipped out of sight around a bend in the trail. Ezri watched that bend for a long time before starting on the heavy walk back to the hotel. 


	5. Chapter 4

****

Chapter 4

__

That's me in the corner  
That's me in the spotlight  
Losing my religion.

–_ REM, "Losing My Religion"_

Ezri received her appointment notice that afternoon. As direct as ever, the Commission had indeed scheduled tomorrow as her first day of Declaration. They granted her access to restricted transporter coordinates of the Symbiosis Complex in Parsee City and requested that she not be late. 

Once the notice arrived, the rest of the day wasn't good for much. The upcoming trials filled Ezri's thoughts. Some part of her knew that she looked more distracted and tense than ever, and it bothered Julian, though he was careful not to say anything. That upset her, though she knew there was nothing she could do about it, and by evening she was exhausted. 

Sleep came quickly that night, mercifully blotting out her thoughts for a while but also rushing her into morning. Just as the sun rose above the bay, Ezri and Julian rose and got ready for the day ahead. She chose a dark, simple dress, straight-lined and long sleeved. She knew it met with the Commission's standards of formality; it also made her feel small and pale and entirely not herself. 

She hesitated for many long minutes about wearing her pledge chain to the proceedings. In the end, she decided to take it off.

An Azure Guard escort, a woman of indeterminate age with a smooth face and iron-colored hair, was waiting for them when they beamed over. She marched them out of the bare transporter room the instant they materialized and started examining Ezri's notification without wasting a moment on idle conversation. 

"Yes – Ezri Tigan Declaration. We have you on file," she said tersely. 

As they followed her through a long echoing corridor toward the main complex, Julian whispered to Ezri. "Why don't they address you as Dax?"

Ezri shrugged. "I'm not official yet. That's why."

In Parsee City, morning was well underway; the hallways of the complex were already packed. Gold-robed Initiates glided past green-clad Candidates and students. Doctors in scrubs, Guardians in plain smocks or ceremonial garments, teachers and clerks in normal clothing – all did an elaborate, unchoreographed dance through the hallways. Everything was rushed, ordered, businesslike. Julian watched the stream of people with curiosity, but Ezri could see the traces of tension in his bearing.

Ezri kept her eyes on their escort. She was no stranger to this place, and very few of the memories were good ones. Jadzia had gone through Initiate training twice here, and the one time she'd returned, it had been to learn the horrifying truth about Joran Dax and the extent of the Commission's manipulation. As Ezri Tigan, she'd left this place defiantly clothed in her Starfleet cadet's uniform, swearing to leave Trillian behind forever. She could still feel the gold silk under her fingers as she returned her robe to Master Jinn, her Initiate trainer....

__

"You think so little of this planet that you can walk away so easily?"

Ezri looked up and handed the robe back, feeling a sense of loss she hadn't expected. Calling up her courage, she spoke, knowing she had nothing more to lose here. "How do you explain three suicides in my Initiate class alone? Or the things we're taught – to ignore our own feelings, to not question the system, and to pretend there is nothing wrong –" 

The older woman waved her hand. "Enough, Ezri. Your letter expressed your opinions quite clearly. I'm sorry to see you go, but I suppose it's for the best. Better you leave when you know you would be a bad Host than try to achieve a Joining that might only end in disgrace...."

The Guardswoman turned abruptly to face them, and Ezri was jarred out of her reverie. "This is the waiting room," she said. "Unjoined friends and family wait here." Her eyes narrowed in Bashir's direction. Ezri felt a stab of anger. 

Julian let out a breath and nodded to the guard. "All right. Thank you." Looking back at Ezri, he put a hand on her shoulder. "Best of luck."

"Thanks. I'll be back soon." 

She took a long look back at Julian as she followed the guard further into the corridor, tasting bile. Gods, she was nervous, and part of her was enraged. How dare they sit and judge her situation when they would have damned her worse for letting Dax die? Even worse, how dare they preach their trite words about suitability and honor when she knew better – half the population capable of Joining, even madmen like Joran or Verad?

They turned a corner, and Ezri's angry thoughts suddenly dissolved. Passing them, a young, dark-haired woman in the blue robes of New Host helped an elderly man in Old Host red robes limp to one of the hospital rooms, a Guardian one step behind them. The man's face was creased with years of life now taking their toll; the young woman's eyes burned with nervous resolution. 

Ezri swallowed hard. Curzon and Jadzia had taken just such a walk in these corridors. Unconsciously, she put one hand on her abdomen.

The guard stopped in front of a door. "This is where you will change. A robe has already been placed in the room. I will be waiting here for you."

Ezri thanked the woman and ducked inside, glad to have a moment of peace. The door closed behind her, leaving her in silence. There was nothing here aside from a narrow closet, a bench mounted to the wall, and a mirror. An ornate tapestry with the hieroglyph for "host" covered the back wall; its embroidered symbols floated in the air behind Ezri's reflection. Opening the closet revealed a blue robe that was slightly darker than the blue of her sciences uniform. She took a breath that didn't seem quite deep enough and unfastened her dress, sliding it over her head and folding it with almost ritual care. The air was cool enough to hurry her into the robe; she pulled it around her and tied it into place.

In the mirror, Ezri saw her own blue eyes timidly bright above the darker silk, and she felt like an imposter.

*****

The Great Hall of the Symbiosis Commission Building was just as grand and imposing as Dax had always remembered it. The main chamber was a semi-circular room, its high walls painted with intricate murals that curved up to the skylights of the ceiling. Late morning light filtered through those ornamental panes, illuminating the central platform that lay far below, completely exposed to the rest of the room. On a mezzanine curving gracefully around this floor, flanked by old-fashioned ceremonial torches, the judges sat in their robes and tunics of office. Audrid Dax had once taken her seat on that rostrum, centuries ago. 

But Ezri's place today was the lower floor. As she entered from the narrow hallway, her feet fell on a tile mosaic of the symbol of justice, a constant reminder surrounding her. She strode into the pool of light with a bravado she didn't feel, much as she had walked into the _Destiny's_ sickbay that fateful day. Taking a deep breath, she put her hands to her sides and looked up. 

Four judges addressed her. An old sharp-faced woman, a man not much older than her in appearance (but likely with a Symbiont older than Dax), a raw-boned, middle-aged man, and a plump and stern woman with dark eyes flanked the head judge's seat.

Behind that seat was a door. In a moment, as Ezri rallied all her courage, the door opened and the Head Commissioner emerged. He was a Joined Trill whose Host couldn't have been past thirty-five, but his hair was solid gray. He held a ceremonial cane in his left hand, and Ezri noticed that he leaned on it just a bit more heavily than she would have expected. His pale eyes fell on Ezri standing below him; looking back, she felt cold in the well-heated chamber.

"I am Tallis Krafor," he said. His voice was serene and proud. "For the records, please state your name."

Ezri straightened, keeping her language as formal as possible. "I am Ezri of clan Tigan."

"I am Kanna Eld," said the old woman. "Tell me your profession."

She took a deep breath. "Starfleet, current rank of lieutenant junior grade, assigned to Deep Space Nine as station's counselor."

Was it Ezri's imagination, or was Krafor's hand shaking a bit as he picked up his data padd? Derision in his voice grated on her ears. "Jadzia Dax, eighth Host, also served on board Deep Space Nine."

Ezri nodded. "That is true." 

Krafor looked at her again, and she felt embarrassed for speaking out of turn.

"How would you define Reassociation, Ezri Tigan?" Eld said bluntly.

A shiver went through Ezri's stomach. She tried not to freeze and stammer out something foolish, a headache coming on as she remembered the ice-pit of a Breen cell and the disquieting intimacy of Worf's expression.

"You serve on the same military outpost as your predecessor," the old woman continued. "You come into contact with her acquaintances and her colleagues daily. Tell me how the legacy of Dax is furthered by such a decision."

__

Oh, that. A little easier to explain.

Ezri's voice rang clear, if not entirely confident. "I arrived on Deep Space Nine and soon found my skills were needed. The station was near the front lines of the Dominion War, and many casualties were treated there. Survivors needed someone who would help them live with the things they had seen. I could not justify turning my back on them when I had the ability to help them."

There was a flurry of notes on the padds in front of the judges. Ezri breathed easier. Now that the big question was out of the way, maybe it was going to get better.

Krafor tipped his head. "This does not explain why you have made no effort to move on, even now that the war is over."

On the other hand, maybe it wasn't.

*****

Julian spent the better part of that day sitting in a small, rather oppressive room. The chairs weren't very comfortable, the window was small and didn't provide much of a view, and the reading material was boring and trite. On the rare occasion that someone else did enter the room, he was given suspicious glances and minimal conversation. At one point, he toyed with the idea that he was being punished for all the times he'd kept his patients waiting, but then rejected the idea. His Infirmary was never this unfriendly, and The Powers That Be couldn't be _this _unforgiving in their judgment. 

More than anything, he was nervous for Ezri. The whole concept of Declaration seemed grim and foreboding, as if some heavy verdict might be handed to her. But this was only a formality, wasn't it? She wasn't on trial for crimes against the state. To his knowledge, the Commission had accepted the circumstances of Ezri's Joining. He couldn't imagine them then turning around and condemning her for something beyond her control.

Then again, the Commission had done many things that he found unimaginable. 

His worries had just begun to get the better of him when Ezri finally returned. He heard a light tap and turned to see her framed in the doorway. In this light, with her black hair and dark dress, her face looked wan and colorless.

"Hey," she said.

"Ezri." Julian walked over to her. A quick glance told him her escort was gone for the time being. "How did it go?"

"It ... went." She glanced down at the floor. "I'm just glad it's over. How'd it go for you?"

"Fine," he said. "Didn't feel exactly welcome, but ...." He shrugged.

Ezri's brow creased into a frustrated grimace, and she shook her head. "I'm sorry. We're not known for our hospitality to other races here."

"You don't need to be worried about me," Julian said gently. Then, after a moment of thought, he added "If it's any help, I'll wait for you in Caysil for the next two days."

Her eyes betrayed a glimmer of relief. "That would help," she admitted. "Thanks. I mean, I appreciate you coming, but ... thanks." 

There was a moment of silence. Then she took a breath and made an effort to shake off her mood. "Well, we have the rest of the day. What do you want to do next?"

Julian grinned, glad to have good news. "Now that you bring it up... I have a surprise."

A curious smile lit her face. It looked tired, yes, but it was better than nothing. "What do you mean?"

He assumed a secretive expression and pulled a paper brochure from his pocket. She took it and read the elegant writing across the front. 

"Lias Remin Theater, Arts District." She glanced at him inquisitively. "Julian?"

"Tickets," he said triumphantly. "I did some checking at the front desk while you were gone yesterday. Apparently a famous dance tour is stopping in Caysil this week, and there's a performance tonight. It was a close call, but I managed to reserve two seats."

"Oh ...." At once, Ezri looked touched and almost embarrassed. "Julian, you didn't have to." 

Julian put an arm around her and steered her down the hallway, toward the transporter room. "I had selfish motives, believe me. I guessed that we'd both need a distraction after today, and from the looks of things, I was right." He hugged her shoulders. "Come on. Let's get out of here."

Ezri sighed wearily and slumped a little, letting him support her. It was a sign of trust, and it made him feel better. "Sounds great to me," she said.

*****

Tallis Krafor wheezed as he stumbled into the small antechamber off the judges' hall. By now, he was letting the cane support his weight. The Guardian was already waiting calmly with the blessed wooden box. Krafor tried not to look too eager as he saw it.

"Thank you, Guardian. Your loyalty is appreciated."

"I only wish to serve," the Guardian replied. He walked over to Krafor and placed a hand on his belly. "Oh... not good. You've been straining yourself." Closing off the room, he put the box on a table as Krafor sat wearily in a large chair. 

"A full day," Krafor mumbled. "Meetings, lectures, Initiations, and that Declaration hearing. I wouldn't have even granted the girl a hearing today if Daiok and Eld hadn't talked me into it. To think that such a Joining must be granted legitimacy...." His words broke off as he gasped for air.

The Guardian clucked his tongue. "You must rest yourself, Parent. Lighten your schedule and let the others handle these matters. It is within your authority."

But Krafor shook his head. He shivered, drawing a heavy breath. "I cannot give them reason to doubt my ability to function, not now. Crase already suspects, and Daiok has started to notice, I know it. I must keep up my appearances." 

"It's not that simple anymore," the Guardian insisted. "Especially with the Azure Guard investigating Rheem's death. They discover the truth, and – "

"I'm not worried about the Guard," Krafor said sternly. "I did not ask for your counsel. Just bring me my treatment."

The Guardian immediately bowed his head, his arms opening slightly in a submissive gesture. "Of course, Parent. I meant no disrespect. If you would, please...."

Krafor nodded slightly and removed his robe. The Guardian selected a hypospray from the box and injected the contents into the commissioner's neck. Then he took out a small, thin instrument and smoothed the shirt away from Krafor's abdomen. 

The Guardian probed the rounded bulge with gentle fingers. At the touch, the Krafor Symbiont moved spastically, clearly visible through the flesh of the carry pouch. The writhing was sickly, almost panicked; Tallis winced. 

Soft, crooning noises escaped the Guardian's lips as he worked. He activated the instrument, and a thin blue beam fanned out from the tip. As he passed the beam over the carry pouch, the Symbiont trembled once more, then sank back and grew still. 

Tallis sighed, his breaths feeble but growing steadier. He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them they had regained their discipline. "That's better. I will try to rest now."

"May it bring you strength," the Guardian murmured.

The commissioner made a terse sound of acknowledgement. He smoothed his garments into place, rose, and walked toward the door, carrying the cane lightly in his left hand. "I am grateful for your assistance," he said formally.

The Guardian smiled, his eyes blank. "I only wish to serve."


	6. Chapter 5

****

Chapter 5

__

She's taking her time thinking of the reasons  
To justify all the hurt inside  
Yes she knows from the smiles and the looks in their eyes  
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one.

–_ Savage Garden, "To The Moon and Back"_

As long as today's sessions had lasted, Julian and Ezri still had time to spare when they got back. After hours of lectures on the dignity and obligations suited to a Joined Trill, Ezri was all the more eager to embrace Caysil's romantic atmosphere. She switched the drab dress for a favorite gown of delicate blue fabric and suggested they catch one of the windships instead of beaming to the theater. 

"It's a tradition," she explained to Julian. "The sailors run races with each other. First one across the bay is allowed to take the scenic way back, riding the currents along the coast. The others have to head straight back to the Resort District."

Julian smiled at the idea. "A Trillian tradition I actually approve of. Imagine that."

"I know," Ezri said wryly. "Honors go to the fastest ship – it doesn't matter if the passengers are Joined or not. Wonders never cease around here."

They made it to the port and paid their way onto one of the graceful vessels in the nick of time. Barely had they found a place to sit on the crowded boat when a high-pitched whistle signaled over the docks. The sailors scrambled nimbly at the ropes, the sails were unfurled, and the ships leapt out across the bay. Once they cleared the port, they darted about like swallows, straining for the lead as the passengers shouted gleefully across the water at each other.

Julian and Ezri's ship came in third. Laughing and breathless, none of the passengers seemed to mind very much. 

With the excitement of the ride, Ezri didn't become aware of the attention she was getting until they reached the theater. She caught the meaningful look of the man who ushered her inside, and realized with a sinking feeling that several people were taking notice of her. Of course, she reasoned; Julian had gone through the hotel front desk to buy the tickets. The attendants there knew who she was, which meant the people that reserved their seats also knew. And Ezri didn't doubt that the story of her Joining had been a popular source of conversation ever since it had reached Trillian. These people knew she was Dax; they also knew that she was never meant to be Dax. 

Walking across the floor of the elegant commons area, Ezri kept her expression neutral and tried to ignore the eyes on her. She wasn't lost to the irony of the situation; Dax had always been one to attract attention. Curzon, as the most obvious example, could overtake a room larger than this one with his presence and did so as often as possible. But none of her predecessors had felt the stares as keenly as Ezri did now. 

Well, that wasn't quite true, she amended. Audrid had noticed, and reveled in it. She'd considered it an honor and a privilege. Ezri just considered it a headache.

A middle-aged couple got out of the way as she approached the door, heading toward the rest of the crowd. Ezri opened the door and waved at them, trying to usher them through. "You were first."

The woman smiled. "Oh, it's all right, Parent."

"I'm waiting for my companion," she said, looking over her shoulder. Julian had paused to get a drink at one of the refreshment tables, and he was chatting with a man at the edge of the floor, talking animatedly.

The couple glanced at him, then gave her a suspicious look as they walked through the door. Julian finished his conversation and crossed the room to her, and Ezri put her smile back into place. "That gentleman is from the Federation Press Services," he told her. "He covers their arts and entertainment feed. Says it should be a good show."

"Good," Ezri replied, a little too brightly. "Shall we...?"

Julian's expression faltered for just a second, and she knew he'd noticed that she was forcing it a bit. She should have expected as much. He kept a sympathetic silence until they'd walked into the darkened auditorium, then placed a hand on her back and leaned close. "Is it me, Ezri?"

She sighed. "Not you, Julian. It's me. It's what I am. And being seen with an off-worlder isn't exactly common, especially since...."

He sounded a little puzzled, but gently let her off the hook. "I see."

Sudden determination went through her at his effort. Defiantly, she reached behind her and found his hand, pressing it tightly. "Let them stare," she whispered. "I'm determined to enjoy tonight with you, no matter what they think."

The pair of them took their seats, holding hands through the exhibition.

*****

They made it back to the hotel as the first stars were appearing, glittering like diamonds in the smooth sky. They had some time before an elaborate buffet dinner would be served in the cool marble hall downstairs, and they had returned to their room to relax for a while before heading down. Ezri took to sitting on a bench on the balcony, watching the sea birds and the ocean. On the beach, the waves rolled in with a soft roar, pulled back out again. She seemed to be at peace, watching the far distance where the waters seemed calm.

Julian found himself staring at her and put down his book. Garak may have been crazy about the author, but if this novel got any duller, he could prescribe it as a sleep aid.

Ezri had managed to lift her spirits for the performance. The modern dance had been electric, involving a huge set of cages and bars layered and twisted together across the stage. Ten dancers had leapt from bar to bar like cats, or even danced with perfect balance on the narrow rails. When it was over, Julian and Ezri had spilled out into the warm evening with the rest of the crowd, oblivious to any attention they were getting, excitedly discussing the event.

When they got back to the resort, however, Ezri had become quiet again. As Julian left his chair and walked outside, she made the first move he'd seen in over an hour, sighing and letting her hand drop into the folds of the skirt that pooled around her crossed legs.

He leaned against the frame of the door and gazed at her. "Ezri."

Dax started a bit as she turned toward him. "Oh. Julian."

"What's wrong?" he asked her gently. "You haven't said a word since we got back here."

She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Sorry. Just thinking about today. The tickets to the theater were really sweet, thank you."

He waved that aside. "It was the least I could do. It's not every day you get to see a loved one pass a milestone."

A snort escaped Ezri, and she stood up, pacing restlessly to the stone railing of the balcony. "If I passed at all," she muttered. "I certainly didn't feel showered with approval in front of the Commission."

Julian couldn't quell a stab of worry. "They're not threatening to end your Joining, are they? Surely they can't...."

"No, no," Dax assured him with a tired smile. "They won't take my Symbiont away, not unless I commit a capital offense or something. They're just questioning whether or not I'm living up to their standards. They wonder if I appreciate the honor of being Joined the way I should." This last was given with a note of sarcasm.

"The 'honor.'" Julian thought back to her tense mood from this evening and smiled ruefully, walking up to stand beside her. "As fascinating as you are, Ezri Dax, sometimes I don't envy you much."

She gave an unsettled shudder. "All those eyes on me. It's creepy. None of the other Hosts thought so, but now...." She trailed off and shook her head. Placing her hands flat on the railing behind her, she hopped up to sit on the wide ledge. With her head tilted and her small feet tucked behind the balusters, she looked startlingly young for the depth in her eyes. 

"To think, a little over a year ago, I used to be the one staring," Ezri said. "Wondering why they went through with it, watching them seem to take it for granted." She shrugged, and the movement shifted the light over her dress in a soft shimmer. "I know Joining to save a Symbiont was right, and that Dax is part of me now, just like I'm a part of Dax. It's the rest that I'm not comfortable with."

"I don't pretend to know what it's like," Julian admitted.

She gazed at him thoughtfully. "Well, some of it you might understand better than you think. I might not have been around at that point, but Jadzia saw all the stares you got after you were forced to come clean about your enhancements."

"I'm surprised she noticed," he remarked dryly.

"Oh, she noticed. She just didn't know what to say." Ezri glanced down at her hands clasped over her knees, reliving a bit of Jadzia's discomfort. "I remember it as seeing people shy away from you, or keep their kids out of the Infirmary unless it was an emergency."

"I remember that, too – quite clearly, in fact." Julian shrugged it off. "Well, in spite of everything, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'd proven myself to many of them over the years by the time that came out, and only a few chose to forget that." 

He paused thoughtfully. "Surprising, really. There were even some that supported me all the more because of it." Then he smiled at her. "You, for instance."

She smiled back, but sighed and shook her head. "It's just this Declaration... I don't know how to explain it. Part of me knows the reasons behind this. It's showing the Board that I'm Joined, and that Dax and I are a good match. It's the rest of it that I resent – the Oaths, the politics, the 'Parent of Society' shoes I'm supposed to fill. I wish...." And she stumbled to a stop, unable to put the rest into words.

Julian touched her arm in sympathy. "I'm sorry," he said. "I wish I could be more understanding."

She leaned against him with a bemused smile. "Of what?"

"All of this. You. The Trill and their Oaths. It's difficult for me to grasp."

"It's hard for anyone to grasp," she said, her voice kind. "Took me a while to rediscover Ezri under the avalanche Dax hit me with."

He chuckled, brushing her hair off her forehead. "I can only imagine." 

The easy affection of his gesture seemed to comfort her. In the dusk, a hint of light played through her eyes, like moonlight on the ocean. "I'm glad you're here," she said softly.

Immediately, Julian felt the guilt at his own shortcomings fall aside. _How do you do that, Ezri?_ Fitting his hands against the smooth curve of her shoulders, he placed a light kiss on her temple, then trailed the line of gold-flecked spots downward, breathing her in. His fingers played with the slender chain around her neck, traced the hollow of her throat. "I love you. You know that, don't you?"

A pause, a soft hum of contentment. She turned her head, he saw the tilt of her smile, and he kissed her. This time, she drew him closer and didn't hold back. Off in the distance, the evening sounds of Caysil merged to the lull of the ocean and faded away.

Without warning, Julian leaned down and scooped her off the railing, gathering her up into his arms as easily as if she were a child. He twirled her playfully and she laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck. Then he kissed her again, passion building, and she could only hold on for dear life.

"Julian," she finally managed to mumble.

"Mm-hm." He carried her through the darkened living room, focusing his attention to the racing pulse below the corner of her jaw.

"We're just ... oh ... we're going to be late...." 

He grinned against her neck. "Not if we miss dinner entirely, we're not." 

Ezri laughed again, delighted, before slipping back into intimate silence. He laid her down gently, settling himself close beside her, and in a moment all their worries seemed trivial. 

*****

It was early morning when Julian woke. Delicate sunlight fell across his face, and a cool hand was soothing his forehead. 

__

I could get used to this.

He stirred, feeling wonderfully drowsy, and opened his eyes to gaze up at her. At his movement, Ezri's smile widened, and she curled cozily against him. She'd apparently been up for some time and had already showered and dressed.

"Good morning," she murmured. She dropped a kiss to his bare shoulder.

"Mm." Julian stretched lazily and slid an arm around her waist. She felt clean and cool, her hair slightly damp and curling over her forehead. "It is starting out pretty well...."

Ezri made a sound of demure agreement and stretched out on her side, propped up on one elbow. "I didn't want to wake you, but I have to go soon. I knew you'd want to see me off."

"You should have woken me earlier, I could have done it properly," he teased back. Then he glanced her over appreciatively. "You look wonderful."

She blushed a bit at the compliment, tugging at the free collar of her fitted dove-gray suit. Her necklace glinted subtly above the smooth fabric. "I'll be frowned at a bit, I think – not quite stately enough for a Declaration to the Symbiosis Commission."

"'Parent of Society' that you are," he intoned.

Ezri made a face. "Exactly why I'm opting to dress comfortably this time."

Julian chuckled and reached up to smooth a strand of her hair into place. "I can't see how anyone could possibly complain."

She gave him a grateful smile. "I'll keep that in mind." Then she sighed, reluctant. "I guess I'd better get going. Wouldn't want to keep them waiting."

"Heavens, no," he agreed with a grave shake of the head. He wrapped his arms more comfortably around her. "We certainly don't want that."

Ezri rolled her eyes, trying hard to look resolute. "Julian...."

"What? Don't let me keep you." He trailed a hand up her back and kissed her languidly. 

"Oh, you...." She collapsed across him with a groan. "You're evil."

Julian laughed. Finally he let her go, cupping her face just long enough to give her a bracing look. "Give 'em hell, Ezri."

"Oh, yes. They won't know what hit them." She slid gracefully off the bed and straightened her jacket. "See you soon."

"Send Tallis Krafor my regards," Julian said dryly. 


	7. Chapter 6

****

Chapter 6

__

But you -- you're not allowed  
You're uninvited  
An unfortunate slight.

–_ Alanis Morriset, "Uninvited"_

The same taciturn guard from yesterday was waiting in the transporter room, wearing the same bored expression. There was another terse delivery of instructions, and Ezri was led to a changing room. But this time, instead of the embroidered tapestry and the blue silk robe, there was a rather hard examining table and a hospital gown. The second day of Declaration was set aside for medical testing and examination. Ironically enough, the same people that could embrace ceremony to the point of superstition could also be the most clinical people Dax had ever met. 

The doctor in charge of the procedures could have learned a thing or two about bedside manner. He met any attempt at conversation with stern glances and curt replies. Pretty soon, Ezri gave up chatting with him altogether and submitted quietly to the examination. Dax was poked and prodded; she was turned about in any manner of different postures and scrutinized with eyes and tricorders; she was required to answer endless series of questions regarding nutrition, exercise, hygiene habits. At one point, the doctor even tried to corner her with loaded questions about her emotional and psychological health. Fortunately, he soon realized she was more than a match for him in that area, and the conversation was quickly dropped. 

Ezri wasn't concerned about her physical suitability to Joining. She knew that there wasn't the remotest sign of rejection and that she was in excellent health. If there had been anything wrong with her, Julian would have told her a long time ago. One thing she'd never doubted, even in two lifetimes knowing the man, was that he was bluntly honest with bad news.

Needless to say, the Board's obsession with the unusual circumstances of her Joining was more annoying than anything. Three hours of the routine examinations weren't enough to convince them of her health; the doctor insisted on a full neurological analysis, including deep neural scanning for both Host and Symbiont. Ezri soon found herself lying on a biobed, half-naked and freezing, with electrodes glued to her forehead and belly. 

"Stay still and relax, please," the doctor told her sternly. Then he turned his back and leaned over his monitoring equipment with more interest than he'd ever shown in the patient herself. 

This, of course, was also a long and tedious procedure. _At least they're not lecturing me anymore, _she thought, mentally shrugging it aside. Laying her arms flat at her sides, she closed her eyes and concentrated on silencing her thoughts. One blessing of her brief tenure in Initiate training was learning how to meditate; it had proven valuable even before she had to deal with the overwhelming mess of contradictions that was Symbiosis. 

She was left alone long enough to get deep into meditation, her breathing slow and steady. She focused on the darkness of her closed eyes, on the steady beat of her heart. The cacophony of her Joined mind fell to a silent, strong presence. There was only the basic, the primitive.

Ezri felt very relaxed. She drew a breath deep into her lungs, and at the motion there was a feeling, almost a memory, of sliding into place. It was akin to a sense of warmth and protection that the Dax Symbiont had always felt in the earliest moments of Joining, the first embrace of the Host....

A blue flash pierced the darkness behind her eyes, startling her out of the trance. Ezri gasped slightly, then opened her eyes with a puzzled frown. _That was strange._

From across the room, the doctor was gazing at her curiously. "Try to remain calm, please." 

Ezri smiled blandly. "Right. Sorry."

The rest of the scan went without interruption. Ezri half-waited for the flash to happen again, but when nothing out of the ordinary happened she began to think she'd just imagined it. In a few minutes, the doctor cleared his throat in a concluding fashion and stood beside her. 

"You are in good health, all that is expected with a young Host. We still have to analyze your neural readings, but it is not required that you be present for that. You may leave."

She held back a sigh of relief. The doctor removed the electrodes and gave Ezri a cloth to wipe up the sticky residue. She cleaned herself and pulled the flimsy gown around her as quickly as she could. She couldn't wait to change into her clothes again. 

"See you tomorrow," she quipped.

"Actually, about that...." The doctor gestured vaguely. "Anyway, your escort will tell you. Have a pleasant day."

*****

It took several long minutes for Dax to leave the room. The Trill doctor was eager to review the findings of the scan, but he made himself wait a while longer, just in case she decided she'd forgotten something and unexpectedly walked back in. When he was sure it was safe, he recalled her neural readings and scrolled through them until he found what he was looking for. A sudden increase of activity, visible through almost all brain wave levels, spiked upward through the otherwise-calm patterns. 

"Odd," he mumbled to himself. "Worth looking into, perhaps...? Probably nothing. Still...."

After a moment of deliberation, he nodded briskly and saved the data into a separate file. Relevant or not, the occurrence would be analyzed and logged, and the appropriate persons would be notified. At this point, they couldn't afford to ignore any possibility, no matter how small.

*****

__

Only early afternoon. Ezri squinted against the sun that had not yet reached its full height and shook her head. The cool peace of morning had not completely faded, and she was already back at the resort. And she wouldn't be returning to the capitol city again. Not today, not tomorrow. It was over, and as unending as this series of interrogations and lectures had seemed, right now it felt like it was over much too quickly.

She shook her thoughts aside as she walked up the wide steps of the hotel. It felt good to be outside in the sun, in the sweet-smelling air. Ezri decided to focus on that. No matter what political games the Symbiosis Commission decided to play in their grand halls hundreds of kilometers away, it was still a gorgeous spring day in Caysil. 

The man at the desk of the lobby greeted her politely as she entered, even going as far as informing her that her companion could be found in the Main Garden Courtyard. "Made good use of our racquetball facilities earlier this morning," he told her. "I hear he posed quite a challenge to some of our other guests."

"That's typical," Dax said with a bright smile. _Being personable, _she told herself sternly. _Not keeping tabs on him – just being personable, like they're paid to do. Don't get paranoid, Ezri. _Nodding a thanks to the attendant, she walked through the lobby to the door leading to the courtyard.

Julian had apparently felt the same way about being outside. He sat at a small table that had a pleasant view of the garden, and had just finished eating. He wore comfortable exercise clothes, and his skin was a shade or two darker, already tanned by the wind and sun. Grinning a bit, she skirted the courtyard to walk up behind him and hug his shoulders.

He acted appropriately surprised, turning his head to smile up at her. "Ezri! That was quick!"

"Really." She kissed his cheek and stepped around him to pull over an empty chair. "It certainly seemed to go on for ages."

Julian winced a bit in sympathy. "Bad time of it again?"

She shrugged. "Oh, not as bad as yesterday. That was the cross-examination, today was the endless series of tests and scans. Even more intense than usual, since I managed to avoid the usual Initiate testing. I don't think I've listened to so much medical and scientific jargon in my entire life." She grinned impishly. "Which is quite a statement, considering present company…."

"Very funny," he said wryly. "So what's the third day going to be like? Easier, I hope."

Ezri hesitated, then shrugged her shoulders. "That's just the thing. I won't have a third day. I'm done, Julian."

He blinked. "What? But I thought you said…."

"I know I did," she replied. "And in any other case, there would be a third day. Ceremonial rituals, solemn speeches, public declaration of Oaths, hours and hours of pomp and circumstance. It's the day that usually lasts the longest."

A scowl was forming across Julian's face before she was done speaking. "And they're denying you that? Are you saying you've been rejected?"

She shook her head quickly, before her own quiet doubts could be revived by his words. "No, I'm not saying that at all. I've been passed, as far as the Commission is concerned. They still don't like the situation or me very much, but I'm official. They just… want to keep this as low-key as possible."

Julian looked less angry, but not by much. "Oh, I see. So they accept you, as long as you have the good grace to keep quiet."

"Exactly," Ezri said, rolling her eyes. "They don't want 'mistakes' like me put in the spotlight any more than is completely necessary. Don't worry. I've never liked the third day anyway. It always seemed so redundant."

He looked at her, and his expression softened. "But it means something to you, doesn't it?"

Dax sighed and looked down at the table, thinking out her response. "I guess. Going through the ceremonies – that's all just routine. Show the right solemn esteem, say the right responses, nothing emotional or personal about it. But missing it, knowing they're embarrassed about me – it just reminds me of all the things about Trillian that I don't like."

Julian looked upset for her sake; Ezri shook her head. She reached across the table to take his hand. "I refuse to be depressed about this," she said. "I don't seek the Commission's approval, and now that I'm all Declared and official I don't need to worry about them any more. It's a weight off my shoulders, Julian. I can move on now."

He smiled back. "And the Establishment be damned."

"Indubitably," Dax laughed. 

There was a small silence. Then a light, perfumed breeze cooled the heat of the sunlight on Ezri's face, and Julian tipped his head to one side. "So," he said, as if discussing a matter of great importance. "We have the rest of today, and all day tomorrow, and at least ten days after that before we have to go back home. 

"Right," Ezri said playfully. "So the question is, how are we going to pass the time?"

"Well, I have a few immediate suggestions," he teased. "But beyond that, there's a lot of things I'd be interested in seeing. This place is fascinating in a lot of ways."

A meditative expression crossed her face. "Yes," she had to admit. "In spite of everything, it's still beautiful here."

Julian twined his fingers through hers and smiled. "Then I want you to show me all the things about Trillian that you _do _like."


	8. Chapter 7

****

Chapter 7

__

I have climbed the highest mountains  
I have run through the fields  
Only to be with you  
Only to be with you  
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

–_ U2, "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"_

The next several days were based entirely on impulse. Caysil City's atmosphere ebbed and flowed like the currents of the bay, by turns languid and exhilarating. There were enticing spots tucked everywhere, each with their own distinct styles and traditions. And Julian couldn't have asked for a better guide than Ezri Dax. 

She took him everywhere, to all the old haunts she could think of and many that she discovered or re-discovered at every turn. She showed him temples that had been standing for centuries, so beautifully constructed that it seemed they'd been carved from the living rock and then set with priceless stones. She walked him through hidden streets that a foreigner would have missed entirely and explained histories that defined this ancient and intricate culture better than any tourist attraction could. She took him to small, artistic restaurants, made him try the most colorful and unique foods she could remember, and then laughed gleefully when he found he'd underestimated how spicy some of them were. 

And always, always, there were the ocean's many attractions to visit over and over again. After living on Deep Space Nine for so long, they were both surprised to discover how much they'd missed wind and sun and water, and they soaked up as much of it as they possibly could. They went swimming, they boarded windships that sailed along the majestic formations of the coast, they got up at dawn to watch the sun rise over the sea and then teased each other at how comically romantic it was. Every moment was rich and full, leading to the next moment and then the next, until the day was over and they had to rest from the exertion of it all. When the night finally quieted and Ezri was breathing softly beside him, Julian found that sleep came easier and sounder that it had in countless months.

By the second week, Dax's exploration took them beyond Caysil, to different cities, even to different continents. They would beam to a distant location and spend the day there, perhaps walking the banks of rivers in the temperate regions of the northern hemisphere, or visiting secluded towns that clung to the ridges of the mightiest mountains of Trillian. Every time it seemed there were no other wonders greater than this, Dax managed to recall another still more amazing.

It was then that Julian began to notice a slight change, something he couldn't exactly place in the way Ezri looked at her world. The places they visited began to seem more ancient and unfathomable, and at certain moments, when she was recalling the places she'd seen and the people she'd known, an odd wistfulness seemed to color her expression. Whenever he saw that emotion, Julian felt like there were urgent questions hanging in the air that he didn't know how to ask, and he wasn't at all sure that Ezri would have known how to answer anyway. It wasn't a distance he shouldn't have expected. He was Human, she was Trill, and a Joined Trill besides. But it left him unsettled and not knowing what to say, and those moments always passed in silence.

*****

One day, they traded Caysil's tropical climate for the cold wind of the Tenaren tundra. It was here that Ezri showed Julian the famous ice cliffs that Jadzia had often mentioned, glistening formations that towered above the otherwise-bleak beauty of the plains. There was a series of paths and tunnels leading up to the highest point, and that evening they decided to take the three-kilometer journey.

Starting out on the hike, they were chatty, teasing each other and flirting as usual. The deeper they went into the caves, though, the quieter Ezri became. Julian would steal a glance of her pulling the woolen parka tighter around her small body, or a distant haunted look flickering through her eyes.

Close to the top, they stopped to rest in one of the caves, a mid-sized chamber that glittered like crystal from the metals and rock beneath thick layers of ice. The ice of the ceiling was only a foot thick and rather clear in some places, almost like a skylight. They had good timing; as the setting sun outside reached a certain angle, the light was shattered and refracted, and rainbow prisms brought the walls to life with color. 

A bittersweet smile crossed Ezri's face. "Well, now I know how that dream ended."

Julian blinked his vision clear and glanced at her, puzzled. "Which one?"

Ezri seemed a bit surprised. "Oh, I never told you, did I?" She shook her head. "As Ezri, I've never seen these caves before. But I dreamed about them once, when Worf and I were prisoners on the Breen vessel." She turned slightly away as she spoke, watching the prisms slowly shift with the setting sun. 

All it took were the words "Breen vessel" to make Julian wonder if he wanted to ask any questions. His own experiences of Dominion hospitality were a sore subject. Still, what dream would she have about this place, and why would she think to tell him about it?

Ezri smirked without turning her head. "All right, Julian. I don't have to look at you to know that you're curious."

"Really, if you don't want to talk – "

A genuine smile lit her face. "Sorry, but I've know you for two lifetimes. That's one of your charms, really. Your heart's on your sleeve, even more so than most one-lives. I thought you couldn't lie for the longest time, and then – " She broke off, startled and annoyed with herself. "Ugh. Julian, I didn't mean to call you that. I can't believe how much I just sounded like…."

Julian grinned. "Freudian slip?"

"Freud would have disapproved of the term, but yes, I suppose." The light was beginning to fade, brilliant sunset colors slipping to twilight. Ezri lit the chemical lantern they'd brought and they started walking again, toward the tunnel that led to the top. "Anyway. They'd just captured us, and Worf and I... well, we weren't as comfortable around each other as we thought. I dreamed about an ice cave – one like this, almost. I was alone there, and I was being chased by someone in Breen armor. When I fell, he caught up to me. He put down the rifle and pulled off his helmet."

"And?"

Her eyes glittered as much as the cave. "I was about to ask why on the Winds you were wearing a Breen suit when Worf shook me awake."

Julian was a bit taken aback. But he didn't have time to ponder the implications of the dream before Ezri waved him forward. All at once, she seemed embarrassed. "We'd better get going," she said. "We're almost there."

*****

Just as darkness was falling, Julian and Ezri emerged from the tunnels into open air and walked to the highest point of the cliffs. They stood overlooking the tundra, Julian had no idea how long, huddled together against the thin rushing wind. Traces of atmospheric disturbance appeared high above them, playing over the sky in shimmering waves of color.

He forgot how long he'd been marveling when he looked around for Ezri. She stood a few meters away, hands behind her back, staring at the cold glitter of the stars. It seemed only an instant ago she was by his side. 

"Ezri?" 

Silence followed. She didn't turn around.

He walked toward her. Just as he approached, Dax turned her head away from the view, and Julian saw the sheen of tears in her eyes, tears that might have been from the wind but probably weren't. 

The gulf between them had never felt so immense. He had to say something, even though his mind didn't offer much. "Ezri. What...?"

"I'm all right," she said. She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her coat, but her voice was steady and clear. "I'm just remembering things, that's all."

"Old ghosts?" he said.

She smiled a faint, unfamiliar smile. "More than old ghosts." Then she looked at him, with compassion and remorse and the slightest trace of pity. "I'm sorry."

Julian shook his head, and neither said anything else. 

The loss of words lasted through the return hike to base camp and followed them back to Caysil. It even stretched into the night, heavy enough to banish sleep for hours. At some point, when they were too tired to think anymore, Ezri turned over in the dark and reached for him. He responded, glad for the solace. Their rhythm was familiar and numbing, and it helped him to forget. 

*****

The start of another gorgeous, postcard-perfect day was not a particularly pleasant one. Julian woke to the dim memory of Ezri slipping out of bed and getting dressed, quite early and quite hastily. For a long while, as he lay there listening to the lonely stillness, he was convinced that it would be hours before he saw her again, and even then their conversation would be stiff and awkward. 

He ended up being wrong – spectacularly so. He found Ezri seated at the computer terminal of the living room. She wore neat, comfortable clothes and her entire posture radiated productive energy. 

When she heard him approaching, she sprang from her seat and all but pounced on him. 

After speech and regular breathing patterns became feasible, the best he could manage was a dazed "... Morning."

"I love you," Dax said firmly, putting hours of somber re-evaluation to complete waste. "All right?"

He laughed, because right now that was the only response that made sense. In the back of his mind, he found himself trying to remember if she'd ever actually said that to him before. 

She darted back to the computer before he could ask her. "I'm glad you're up," she said, leaning over the console with a frown of concentration. "We'll have to hurry as it is, if we want to make check-out time."

"Check-out... of the hotel, you mean?"

"Yep."

"So we're leaving."

Dax shrugged. "I considered staying here and just beaming over they way we've been doing, but that would take too much time. Cheaper this way, too."

Julian was baffled, though he certainly wasn't complaining at the change in mood. "Ezri, did we have a conversation while I was sleeping or something?"

That made her giggle. She reached out to take his hand and pull him to the computer. "I managed to contact an old friend – lucky thing, since it's the middle of the night where he lives. He's agreed to arrange a few days' lodging for us." She smiled at him. "I have something else to show you."

Curiosity completely piqued, Julian glanced at the screen. He saw a global map, and an inset of a small district far inland from Caysil. "Beltarr," he read aloud.

"There's an abbey about ten kilometers outside of town," she said, pointing. "Small place, pretty secluded. An order of Guardians took up residence there five hundred years back and they've been there ever since."

He gave her a startled look. Ezri nodded in response. "They are keepers of the Symbiont pools, Julian. This is where Dax was born."


	9. Chapter 8

****

Chapter 8

__

And this is how you remind me  
Of what I really am  
This is how you remind me  
Of what I really am.

–_ Nickelback, "How You Remind Me"_

****

"Strange, isn't it?" Ezri mused. "Cultures and planets can be so widely different, and yet there's this universal look for the places sequestering their clergy."

"Well, there's something to be said for setting," Julian said. "I'd imagine it's easy to keep a certain air of reverence, living in a place like this."

She nodded in agreement. The beauty of Beltarr was a rugged and ancient one. It was a bucolic place nestled near the mountains, renowned for its sun-drenched hills and seasoned vineyards. The wood and brick buildings that dotted the countryside probably looked much the same now as they had before Dax's time. Even its name – _to run deep, _roughly translated – spoke of tradition reaching back for ages. 

At this time of year, the mountain air was still sharply cool, and the only clouds in the morning sky were thin and pure white. The clear sunlight gleamed over the landscape; every color was vivid. As they walked along the worn gravel road leading to the Beltarr Monastery, Julian couldn't think of a more fitting birthplace for the Dax legacy, and he told her so.

Ezri squinted against the dazzling blue of the sky. "The mountains beyond these hills – you remember, we had a good view of them on the transport from town – they feed the brine pools here. There are networks of tunnels stretching for miles, all the way from the snow peaks to the foothills." She indicated a steep, grassy embankment on the other side of a grain field to their left. "The largest cavern, the one that the monastery tends, is actually just below that ridge."

Julian shielded his eyes to look. "Really?"

"Yeah." Then her eyes widened in mock chagrin. "Oh, don't tell anyone I told you!"

He snickered. "Don't worry, Trillian's secrets are safe with me. They're really that sensitive about the pools?"

Ezri nodded. "As recently as fifteen years ago, we could have been arrested for coming here. The Commission used to be very touchy about how much off-worlders know about the Symbionts. It's better now, though they still love their secrets. The Temple and the monastery gardens are open to everyone. The caves are restricted, but I'm escorting you so it's all right." 

"Are you certain they'll want me around?" 

"Nothing to worry about. Jethral has been a Guardian-Priest here for years. He may not have seen many off-worlders, but it's not like he thinks you bite. I told him you're willing to learn about the Trill, and he approved." As they reached the gate of the monastery, she paused to give him a wry look over her shoulder. "We do so love to educate the more-naive races about our unfathomable wisdom these days." 

Julian smiled at the joke. Since coming here, Ezri's outlook had been frank and open. For the first time, she seemed completely willing to tell the real history of her people and herself. It was a great relief, this honesty. 

The winding lane from the gate led up to a series of rustic stone buildings. A garden surrounded the grounds, as practical as it was decorative. Sharp-smelling herbs grew among the flowers; Julian recognized many that were still used in modern medicine. 

Ezri stopped in the garden and inhaled the fresh scent, looking quite at home. "We can wait here for a little while. I told Jethral we'd meet him after his morning rites, and we're a bit early."

"How do you know him?" Julian asked, glancing appreciatively at the view.   
  
Ezri sat on a bench surrounded by tall, delicate flowers. She brushed a stem with her hand, stirring a whiff of something like jasmine. "Guardians do a lot of traveling between the capitol and here. Much of it is to transport Symbionts to the complex for Joining, but they also go to teach. Since Jethral's order is made up primarily of healers, he became one of my instructors."

Julian smiled a bit at that. "You were training to be a healer?"   
  
A wide grin crossed Ezri's face. "To my people, there is no difference between what I do and what you do – it's just a matter of specialty. And Symbiosis being what it is, mental and psychological health is often considered far more important than physical health." She shrugged her shoulders. "Jethral and I became friends quickly. He was the one that sponsored me into the Initiate Program. I didn't realize until later that he was a scribe for the histories of Symbionts born here in Beltarr – including Dax. Small world."

Julian raised his eyebrows, sitting next to her on the bench. "You didn't tell me you were an Initiate."   
  
"It's pretty well forced on you if you have the genes," she said. She showed not a trace of apology. "Once I completed the first level, I quit. Didn't even file the final forms. Instead, I sent a letter of protest."   
  
Somehow, that didn't surprise him. "What were you protesting, exactly?"  
  
Ezri paused to consider her answer. She trailed a pensive glance over the monastery grounds. "I got old enough to think about what we were doing. I started my psychology training, and all at once I could see how ... perverse it all was. We were being told that our greatest worth – our only worth – was to be carriers for this alien life that completely ruled our society. That in the end, the Unjoined existence didn't really matter. I just decided that if Joining would isolate me so much from the life I wanted to live, I was better off without it. I applied for the ROTC program at Pareel University. As soon as I was accepted into Starfleet Academy, I quit Initiate training. Same day, in fact."   
  
"And now...." Julian trailed off and glanced at the curve of her abdomen.   
  
"Here I am," she finished. A bittersweet smile crossed her face. "As angry as I was at the Symbionts for the stigma they placed on all of us, I looked at it – at Dax – and I couldn't let it die. I'd take that risk to save its life." She looked up. "Honestly, if you were Trill, you'd probably do the same thing."   
  
Julian was touched and impressed. But before he could find a way to voice that, he became aware of a presence behind them. He looked over his shoulder to find a Trill man standing there, thinning white hair and laugh lines etched around his eyes and mouth giving the lie to his youthful expression.

Ezri followed Julian's gaze and stood up, almost at attention. The man laughed and shook his head.   
  
"I should be the one jumping out of my seat at your voice, not the other way around," he said. A hearty grin split his face, reminding Julian of Miles O'Brien on a good day. "I never thought I'd hear that you'd been Joined, Ezri. Once you left I was sure I'd never see you again."   
  
She looked at her feet, oddly shy. "I didn't think so either, but you know the Commission. If they want you back home, you come home." Then she smiled. "It is good to see you, Jethral."

The Guardian beamed. Then he looked at Julian as if noticing him for the first time, and his eyes filled with curiosity. Ezri hastened to introduce them.

Julian clasped his hands in front of him and nodded. He remembered that from his last trip here – a gesture of respect. Jethral returned the gesture, but his searching gaze never wavered. He tipped his head to examine the side of Julian's face, and Julian found himself imagining how odd his unmarked Human skin must look to a Trill.

After a moment, Jethral shook himself in a scolding gesture and took a step back. "Forgive me, but I have never left the homeworld. I see very few outside my own kind."   
  
"Quite all right," Julian said. "Ezri is giving me a fine look at your planet. It really is as beautiful as I've heard."   
  
The Guardian's face grew solemn. "Beauty is a mere mask. Under its feathers and gauze lies a face we have yet to know or see."   
  
Julian opened his mouth, then closed it as he realized he had no clue how to react to that. But Ezri grinned, and in a moment so did Jethral. "Taresh Moliza – a fine poet native to this planet." 

"Interesting," Julian said with a chuckle. "I'll have to find some of his work later."

"I'd lose you for three days if I put you in a library, Julian," Ezri teased.   
  
Jethral stepped behind them and guided them forward, toward the central building. "Well, I've kept you waiting long enough. I have to finish tending the pools. You are both welcome to come with me." 

  
*****

  
The buildings of the monastery, Julian quickly noticed, were centered around the entrance to the caverns. The three of them took a narrow, spiral staircase below ground and ended up in front of a heavy door. Jethral's fingers worked deftly at the old-fashioned locks. "All I'm doing is checking the Symbionts in the main pool," he explained. "They need to be fed and their brine maintained, after all. They get very cranky if neither is done in a timely fashion."   
  
He swung the door open on creaking hinges, and they stepped inside. Now the only walls were of natural stone, and the air smelled musty with a sharper, salty tang. Julian and Ezri followed the Guardian down carved stone steps; their footsteps were muted in the narrow passageway, but there was the slight ring of an echo further ahead. Just as Julian began to hear the faint trickle of water in the distance, the dim tunnel opened into a cave the size of a stadium. 

He let his eyes adjust to the thin light of several modern lamps. In this chamber, a wide pool of grayish brine stretched off into the distance, larger than the ones he'd seen before. As he watched, Julian saw a Symbiont appear near the raised edge. A crackle of blue-purple energy danced across the water for a moment; then the creature slipped beneath the surface. 

Dax smiled to herself. "They can tell we have company."

Jethral crossed the chamber to a cabinet and workstation set along one wall. It was almost jarring to see this combination of high technology in such a primitive-looking cave. He glanced at a monitor and nodded in approval. "Ah, yes. The brine pH is doing fine. It was a bit too acidic this morning." He opened the cabinet and brought out a metal canister. Walking to the water's edge, he poured a dark, sandy substance onto the surface of the pool. One of the Symbionts surfaced and swam toward it. Jethral cupped his hand beneath the slug-like form and smiled proudly.   
  
"I say good-bye to Thiet tomorrow. He's going to Pareel for his first Joining. He'll be good to his Host, I'm sure, but he's very nervous." He cradled the Symbiont in his palm and spoke as if he was sure it would understand. "No, it will be fine, Thiet. Dax came from the same brine pool you're swimming in now. See," he gestured over to Ezri. "Just fine. Harvested from here at the age of fifty, same as you...."   
  
Julian looked at the pool with an almost eerie sense of its history. The water was dim, but he could catch glimpses of the dark forms gliding just below the surface; every so often, there was a flicker in the depths, like distant lightning on a summer night. So this was where it all began – that common connection that tied his former captain's mentor to his dearly missed friend, and now lived on in Ezri. 

Dax caught his gaze and smiled at him. He really thought he should say something, but he locked up when it came to the words.   
  
As if reading his thoughts, Jethral nodded in understanding. "They are a mystery to many of us, my friend. Even years of study cannot truly reveal their nature. The world of the Symbionts is very different from ours."

Julian shook his head. "It's amazing that you seem to know as much as you do about them. I've rarely come across a species quite so alien." 

The Guardian gazed at him with an oddly knowing expression and tipped his head in Ezri's direction. "A great deal more approachable to you when they are Joined, perhaps?"

He laughed, self-conscious. "Perhaps." 

Though she stood right next to them, Ezri seemed to be outside their conversation. Thiet had drifted quite close to her, and she reached out to touch its mottled surface. A faint glimmer of light sprang to life at her fingertips; for a moment, her eyes grew distant and unfocused. 

Jethral spoke softly, careful not to disturb her. "There are records on Dax, if you'd like to see them. They were faithfully copied into our Archives. We've kept track of every Symbiont that has been born in these caves for the past six-hundred years." 

"It sounds fascinating," Julian said. 

The Guardian smiled, as if willing to launch into old stories right then and there. But the sound of footsteps approaching interrupted him. A second later, a roughly-accented voice called from the entrance.   
  
"Jethral?" 

Ezri blinked. At the disturbance, Theit flicked slightly at the surface of the water, and she lifted her hand. A moment later, the Symbiont was gone. 

Jethral sighed and shook his head. "My my."  
  
They turned to face the newcomer. Another, less amiable Guardian stood at the foot of the steps. "There you are."

"Hello, Vur." Jethral smiled patiently.

The other's response was rather gruff. "Who are these people? Have you asked permission before bringing them here?"   
  
"Relax. I'm just showing this young Host the birthplace of her Symbiont." He gestured to Ezri. "May I present Parent Ezri Dax."  
  
Vur seemed to regret his curtness when he realized that Ezri was a Joined, and gave her an embarrassed nod of greeting. But his doubtful expression returned when he examined Julian. "And this one...?" 

Dax answered for Jethral, her voice measured and cool. "A Human who's trying to know our world a little better. He's behaving himself, don't worry." 

"I see, I see," Vur said hastily. His face softened to a placating smile. "I heard about your situation, Parent Dax. Such an unfortunate turn of events – I'm only glad your health is no longer in danger."

Her face twitched with an amusement more weathered than Ezri's usual mischievous humor. "Are you so fearful for my well-being, Guardian?"

"My concern...." Vur dropped his eyes. "I simply wish you could have received the consideration you deserved after your former host's passing. Such a legacy to carry...."

The casual brush-off of Jadzia's death, as well as the implications about Ezri's suitability, proved too much for Julian's restraint. He snapped an answer before he could pause to consider the consequences. "She carries it just fine." 

Dax intervened before their mutual glower could break out into an argument. "It's _my_ legacy to carry, both of you. Don't be concerned about me, Guardian, I'm doing all right."

"I've checked the brine and fed the Symbionts today," said Jethral, smoothly changing subjects. "Everything is well here, Vur. Was there any particular thing you needed me for?"

"Salijar is asking for you," the other Guardian replied after a reluctant pause. "I was told it was important."

Jethral nodded sagely. "Ah, Salijar. I'll be along soon enough. Tell him I will meet with him at our scheduled time and not a moment before. I have guests to attend to."

Vur grumbled. "As you choose. But it is my duty to inform him of why you are currently unavailable. He will not approve of us giving guided tours, Jethral; don't let it become a regular occurrence." With that, he spun on his heel and left.

Ezri sighed heavily, and Julian concentrated on getting his temper back in check. Jethral simply laughed it off. "Salijar would sooner have us lock ourselves in our temples and have no contact with the outside world. Always so charming, these purists. At least Vur isn't around to be a grouch anymore." He started walking them back up the stairs. "Come. We will be more comfortable in the open air. May I show you the Archives, Doctor? I think you'll find them of great interest."

"Thank you," Julian said, brightening. "I'd enjoy that."  
  
"Good. Dax...." The Guardian laid a hand on Ezri's shoulder. "A word with you, in a few minutes?"

Ezri looked curious, but she only nodded. "Of course."


	10. Chapter 9

****

Chapter 9

__

She acts like summer and walks like rain  
Reminds me that there's time to change.

-- Train, "Drops of Jupiter"

****

Jethral was admirably patient as he showed them the sunlit rooms above ground. Ever the gracious host, he took time to explain the religious meanings of myriad subtle rituals he performed before icons and statues as they walked. He described the history of the monastery and the generations of Guardians that tended it. And he introduced Julian and Ezri to several brothers and sisters of his order, most of whom received the visitors kindly. 

Only when they'd toured the Archives and Julian was safely immersed in a volume of chronicles did Jethral draw Ezri aside. Guiding her to a small study that smelled of faded parchment and ink, he slid the door halfway closed to mute even the quiet rustle of the Guardians at work among the manuscripts. He turned from the door and gazed at her, and his expression grew solemn with the weight of his thoughts.

The silence of the room was profound but unthreatening. After a moment, an odd smile creased his face and he shook his head in wonder. "By the Gods, Ezri."

She took a steadying breath, not quite sure what she was going to say to him. "Jethral...."

He shook his head to silence her. Then, delicately, he reached forward and plucked the copper chain away from her neck. A gentle tug, and the charm slid out of her collar, carved side facing outward.

Jethral nodded. "Yes, I thought as much. Your companion, I notice, made less of an effort to keep his charm hidden."

Ezri leaned against the wall, rubbing her temple. At least Julian wasn't in earshot. She made an effort to sound teasing. "Should we have asked your permission first?"

Her friend chuckled warmly. He pulled out a chair and gestured for her to sit. "Of course not, Parent."

She blushed. "Oh, don't...."

"What is it?"

Ezri sighed and sank into the chair. When she lifted her head, her smile was abashed. "Never in a hundred years would I expect you to call me 'Parent,' Jethral."

He gazed at her fondly. "It is simply tradition. It in no way diminishes my regard for you."

"I've known you long enough to trust that," she said. "But if we're still as close as we were before I left, I'd rather you just call me Ezri."

"Very well." Jethral dipped his head, watching her with a fatherly expression. "I would not wish to see you hurt because of ignorance, Ezri. How well does your companion know your true nature?"

"Oh, you don't need to worry about that," she said. "He was a dear friend to Jadzia and an even dearer one to me. And right now, he understands more about who I am than my own family does." 

"I would hope," Jethral said wryly, "that this means Reassociation is not a concern."

She laughed a little, clasping her hands in her lap. "That isn't a new worry for either of us, believe me. That's part of the reason we're here together." She faced the Guardian squarely, glad that she could put conviction behind her words. "But I know him, as well as I know any of my friends who survived the war. And many times, it's felt like he's one of the only people I know who doesn't blame me on some level for not living up to an expectation, either for Dax or for Ezri."

Jethral pressed her arm, kindness and certainty reflected in his eyes. "Then I am glad. I know the circumstances of your Joining were... complicated. But what you did was right. No one worth knowing would blame you for making such a decision." He hesitated for a moment. "Unless you blame yourself."

Ezri suddenly found the floor fascinating. Jethral gave her respectful silence for several moments, then spoke gently. "And how well do you know your own true nature, Ezri Dax?"

She took a deep breath. And when no real answer surfaced, she exhaled, her shoulders drooping slightly. 

The Guardian nodded in understanding. "It's only been a year. You have time to find yourself, Ezri - and Dax has time, thanks to you."

"I know," she said. "It's... getting better, I think. Things aren't as confusing as they used to be. I can use the memories I have to help people, and I've been glad for that. I just...." She lifted one hand, a resigned gesture. "I wish I could figure out how to talk about it - I wish I could find a way to talk to _him _about it. I know he wants to understand." 

"A rare and admirable quality," said Jethral. He leaned forward in his chair, reminiscent. "If we lived in a different era, a different awareness, there would be more that shared your friend's compassion. There were customs among our people, long ago - ancient rites meant to forge a bond between the Joined and the Unjoined." Then he laughed sadly. "I'm afraid that only old spiritual fanatics such as myself know of these rituals now. The incantations became foolish and obsolete to our leaders by the time your third Host passed away."

Ezri smiled a little, remembering. "I know. Emony saw the Commission's rise to power; things were never quite the same after that."

Jethral was silent. He closed his eyes, perhaps gazing back on the old stories he had scribed so many times. Then, abruptly, he held her gaze with the intensity of his own. "Zhian'par guar'Koj, kal'thai zim guar'vena."

For a long moment, the words were strange and ghostly, their only meaning to her carried in the strength of his voice. But recognition stirred from far within her Joined minds, and with it, understanding. The translation spilled from her, somehow beautiful in the drab tones of Federation Standard. "One soul of Many, reach out to the soul of one."

His face was alight. "Remember that, Ezri. The words are ageless, even if the ritual itself is long in disuse. It is the heart of who you are, your true obligation to our people as a Joined being - a Parent of Knowledge, of Spirit, of Compassion." Reaching out, he clasped her hands until the hesitant expression faded from Ezri's face. "Don't stop trying to bridge the gap. If there is a way, you'll find it."

She swallowed, willing her voice to be steady. "How do you know?"

Jethral smiled. "You are Dax."

*****

"Reach a mutual understanding." Julian tipped his head back against the cushions of the couch and gave Ezri a wry look. "Now, why am I having a hard time believing you used the term 'reach a mutual understanding'?"

Ezri sighed, though it looked like she was enjoying the banter. "I admit I might have been a little more forceful than the records show...."

Julian raised an eyebrow. 

She huffed in mock exasperation. "Okay, okay, it was more along the lines of 'shut the hell up.' But you can't exactly put something like that in the Archives, now, can you?"

He laughed merrily. "Dax. You're unbelievable."

Ezri responded with a dismissive wave of her hand. They'd been pulled into discussions about the history of Dax ever since they'd returned to Beltarr's one small inn for the evening. After just an hour's time in the Archives, Julian had heard and read enough to build up a great deal of appreciation for the Symbiont's legacy.

He'd also picked up on a lot of entertaining anecdotes hidden between the lines, and he could resist teasing her about them.

"It wasn't that impressive," she said about this particular tale. "I don't even know why they archived it. All I did was settle an argument on religious texts."

"As well-read as you are, I'd say it was a simple task - had you not been swimming in the brine pools at the time," Julian insisted. "I had no idea that Unjoined Symbionts were even aware of the outside world, much less able to listen in on spoken conversations."

She smirked a little at the memory. "When people bicker while they're tending a pool of telepathic beings, that's a little hard to avoid. Having to sense a shouting match is much worse than having to listen to one, believe me. And this happened in the short duration before I Joined with Torias; I still had Audrid's sense of elocutionary decorum fresh in my mind." She shrugged, trying to look innocent. "Let's just say, the next time one of them reached into the water, he got a bit of a shock." 

Julian grinned. "Yep, that sounds a lot like you."

Ezri lifted her chin with half-serious, half-amused poise. "It _is _me. And really, it's nothing special...." 

"Hah," he snorted. "You can't fool me. I'll bet the stories I read aren't even the half of it." 

She made a slight effort to look modest, then shrugged, not disagreeing with his assumption. "I'd better keep you far, far away from Jethral while we're here. He'll tell you all my embarrassing stories if I let him."

He gave her a sly look; she rolled her eyes affectionately. A brief silence fell. The fading daylight cast a glow through the window, warming the small but comfortable room where they sat. 

Julian hesitated somewhat, thinking out his next question. "What were the two of you talking about for so long, anyway? If you don't mind me asking...."

"Oh, I don't mind," Ezri said. If anything, she was only more at ease. "It wasn't vastly important - just the typical father-figure conversation. Catching up on old news, chatting about my future plans and current romantic endeavors, alluding to ancient incantations for extrasensory synergetic bonding... you know, the usual."

Julian looked at her blankly; Ezri played innocent. "Oh, don't worry," she said sweetly. "He likes you."

"Wait, wait - incantations for extrasensory _what_?"

She chuckled at his wary expression but waved it off. "Not what you're thinking. We were talking about how isolated the Joined are becoming, and Jethral quoted from a bonding ritual called _kal'thai_ to make a point."

"Kal'thai." He repeated the word a bit clumsily with his Human accent. 

"It's a remnant of an ancient language," Ezri explained. "Literally translated, it means 'blue flame.' A poetic description of symbiotic electrochemical signals."

Julian nodded, remembering the flickers of sapphire blue energy that leapt from Symbiont to Symbiont through the brine medium. "The word's old enough not to register with a Universal Translator, at least. I gather the Symbiosis Commission doesn't have much use for poetry these days."

She smiled, a little ruefully. "Hardly anyone knows it now. Symbiont energy was held in much higher regard centuries ago, before science got in the way. There are myths about its great healing powers, spiritual connotations, things like that. In any case, kal'thai also describes a certain old ritual that centers around that energy. It's a way for a Joined Trill to telepathically reach an Unjoined."

Julian tipped his head. "I've never heard of this before."

"That's because it's almost never used," said Ezri. Her voice was slipping into an objective tone that reminded him a little of Jadzia. "It's not easy to carry out, and it's been all but forgotten anyway."

"So let me get this straight," Julian said. "A kal'thai is basically a temporary Joining?"

"Not exactly. It's... well, it's hard to describe. It's like a very intimate conversation. Sometimes it was used in marriages, or as a way to draw a misguided person back to a steady path. And long ago, before the Symbiosis Commission took over, kal'thai was used to determine which Initiates were suitable for Joining."

"Interesting," Julian murmured. Then he gave her a curious look. "Have you ever experienced one?"

"In nine lifetimes? Once," Dax said, grinning at the memory.

"Were you the Joined or the Unjoined?" 

"Unjoined. I was Tobin Rel then, five years before I'd ever heard of Dax. And I went through a kal'thai with a four-hundred-year-old Symbiont in the body of a woman almost three times my age." Her smile widened as she spoke, and by the time she got to that last detail she was laughing mischievously.

Julian grinned back, puzzled. "What?"

Ezri's eyes sparkled. "Well, you see, for the connection to work there has to be physical contact between the Symbiont..." she gestured to her abdomen, "and the Unjoined recipient. A hand pressed over the carry pouch can work, but the preferred method is an embrace. Maybe it allows the Symbiont to connect more completely, maybe it's symbolic of the Unjoined laying aside inhibitions and giving the Joined complete trust, who knows. In any case, this Joined - Aranya, she insisted I call her - preferred the latter method." Ezri leaned forward gleefully. "I was very shy. And Aranya was very... aggressive." 

The image this conjured up made Julian shake with laughter. "Priceless! I can only imagine what was going through your head."

Ezri laughed too, but a thoughtful expression crept into her eyes at his choice of words. "Oh, it was... it was terrifying, I'll admit. But unbelievable. She had so much to show me, such an impossible amount of knowledge." She shook her head in wonder, drawn into the memory. "I can't explain it. But when the ritual ended and Aranya pulled away, more than anything I wanted to regain that... _depth. _I don't think I - Tobin, I mean - ever would have been Joined to Dax were it not for her. And Aranya Por remained one of the greatest friends I've ever known, up until the day she died. When I was Joined, she was so proud of me...."

Julian gazed at her, trying to read the emotions playing over her face. "Where is Por now? Have you managed to stay in touch?"

There was a slight catch to Ezri's voice as she replied. "Aranya was Por's last host. The Symbiont died in an accident five months before Dax was passed on to Emony."

"Oh. Ezri, I'm sorry."

She laughed, brushing a hand over her eyes. "It was over two hundred years ago, Julian."

"Still...." He trailed off, not sure of what to say and desperately hoping he wasn't intruding on forbidden ground. But the emotions on his face must have been the right ones, because Ezri gazed at him compassionately and then hugged him, leaning her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her, and they stayed that way for a long moment. The sadness between them was very sweet.

Without warning, Ezri lifted her head. A tear lingered on her cheek and she absently brushed it aside, then reached out to take Julian's face in her hands. An odd excitement sparked to life in her eyes. "You know...." And she searched his face intently, thinking.

"What is it?" His voice sounded a bit strange. He cleared his throat. 

"If I can... yes. Yes, I think I can." She smiled so brilliantly that Julian had to catch his breath. "Let's do it."

"Do what?" he whispered.

"You and me. Kal'thai."

"What...?" Julian felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. "Ezri, I'm...."

"Human. A very strong Human. And I'm _Dax. _I make things happen, remember?"

He had to grin at that, but he was still astonished that they were even considering this. "But why? Why do you...?"

__

"Because," she said, frustrated that she couldn't find the right words. "Because I want to know you. Because I want you to know me. Because we're together." She seemed satisfied with this last explanation, and touched the charm hanging from his neck. "We're together."

Captivated by the strength of her emotions, Julian could only nod in agreement, return her embrace when she drew him to her and kissed him tenderly. "All right," he finally breathed, smiling in wonder. "All right."


	11. Chapter 10

****

Chapter 10

__

Follow me follow me follow me down down down down  
'Till you see all my dreams;  
Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems.

-- Nellie Furtado, "Turn Off The Light"

It was early morning, very early, and a thin mist was falling. The stone courtyard of the monastery had a silvery sheen in the pre-dawn light. Julian pressed back into a nook of the wall and shivered. Beside him, Ezri was completely silent, gazing out toward the buildings, watching for movement.

In a moment, she nodded slightly. "It's clear," she said, her voice barely a breath fogging at her lips. "Let's go." 

She slipped out from their momentary hiding place. Julian followed, still nervous that someone had heard or seen the transporter beam as they'd arrived. They weren't supposed to be here; if anyone discovered them or had the slightest idea what they were planning to do, the situation would not be pleasant. But Ezri moved with amazing confidence, her footsteps hardly making a sound. They edged along the courtyard until they reached one of the simple stone buildings - a sanctuary that was set aside for meditation and prayer. 

Another tense pause, at least on Julian's part, as Ezri worked at the latch of the door. It slid open with a gentle click, and he breathed an unconscious sigh. 

Dax grinned at him and followed him inside, easing the door shut behind them. The ground level was dark and empty, the shrines and benches tidied neatly away until morning, but a narrow door across the way stood ajar. The curve of a staircase was visible beyond it, and a glow of candlelight seeped upward from some basement study. "Told you," she said in a slightly louder whisper. "He made it."

"So far, so good." He couldn't hide the doubt in his voice. "You're really sure about this?"

Even in the shadows, he could tell she was smiling. She pressed his arm reassuringly. "You've asked me that at least ten times."

"I know, I know." he whispered, glancing back at the entrance. "I just want to be sure. That you're sure. That's all," he finished lamely. 

Ezri slipped her hand through his and leaned forward. Her fingers were cold like always and damp from the rain, but she kissed him and felt as warm as he was, maybe warmer. "I'm sure." 

Out of words, he nodded and let her pull him toward the stairs. The light strengthened as they climbed down, and they found themselves in a tiny, bare room containing nothing but an icon of some Trillian deity, set in an alcove in the stone wall. Jethral was on the floor before this icon, kneeling on a folded blanket. His lips moved in soundless prayer.

"Jethral." Dax carefully interrupted the vigil. 

The Guardian turned. No sense of surprise at their arrival, but his face was creased in wary concentration. "You were not seen?"

"No," she said evenly. "Thank you for doing this for us, Jethral. I know the risk you took in arranging it."

He climbed to his feet and walked to them. His gaze took in her face, her eager determination, and he focused all his solemnity into his reply. "There are many risks for all of us. Your action would not be accepted by this order or by our superiors in the Commission."

"I realize that," she said calmly. "But it is a worthy measure - that's why you agreed to this. There are no laws forbidding it, and I know what I'm doing."

Jethral's expression softened for a moment, a testament to the understanding between them. "I know." 

Julian had only just begun to sense how out of the loop he was when the Guardian turned abruptly to him. "She has explained this to you?"

He swallowed. "A little. I'll do the best I can."

Jethral dipped his head in a slight nod and tugged at his robe, more a nervous gesture than anything. "It might be a vague connection at best," he said slowly. "It might not work at all. It has never been attempted with a Human before, or with a Joining so unorthodox. I don't know what to expect - none of us can."

"Let me worry about that," Dax said. "I wouldn't have asked this of you if I didn't think we could handle it. And at the very least, it could give us a new perspective."

"All right." The Guardian took a last calming breath. He lifted his face to the icon for a moment, and his emotions slipped somewhere below the surface. He reached out a hand, urged Julian forward. "I will guide you as much as I can. Face each other. Stay close, don't lose contact with her. It could be harmful to either or both of you if the connection breaks unexpectedly."

Julian made some indistinct sound of acknowledgement, trying to clear his mind or obtain inner calm or do whatever was expected of people in these situations. It seemed a futile effort. Even with his knowledge of multi-species physiology, it was easy to forget how truly alien Dax was. Now, the unsettling idea that he was going to meet this alien life face-to-face simply refused to be pushed aside.

Ezri turned to face Julian squarely. As he stepped closer in response, he took a slow, deep breath and tried not to look as nervous as he felt. "What should I do?" he asked her.

Her smile was serene. She leaned forward until they met in a gentle embrace. "Trust me," she whispered.

The room fell silent. Jethral took his place beside them and seemed to draw himself up, gathering some perfected skill to the fore. There was a sense of growing stillness, until it seemed that all three of them were held in place by Jethral's focus. In a moment, soft enough that Julian wondered if he'd imagined the sound, the Guardian's voice spilled into the air.

"Inora jokala vok," he whispered, his voice deeper with the ancient words. "Za Ezri, zhian'tara Rek, pora al zim Dax...."

Ezri moved slightly in Julian's arms, exhaling slowly. He wondered if the chant was striking a chord somewhere in her memories; was the Symbiont responding somehow? A mental connection, something shifting? 

He stopped his wandering thoughts abruptly when he felt the Guardian draw close. "Zhian'Tani Res," Jethral continued after a scrutinizing moment. "Zhian'par gaur'Koj..." he gently touched Ezri's side, "...kal'thai zim guar'vena." He lifted his hand from Ezri and stroked Julian's temple with fingers like ice. 

Julian had barely registered that he was uncomfortable at the oddly intimate gesture before Jethral scowled and shook his head in mild frustration. "This won't work if you push it back," he told Julian matter-of-factly.

"Uh... sorry." 

Against his shoulder, Ezri's mouth turned up in a teasing smile.

The Guardian inhaled briskly, flexing his hands, then let the emotions fall from his face once more. "Zhian'Tani Res," he said. "Zhian'par guar'Koj, kal'thai zim guar'vena." The same sequence of feather-light touches, from Ezri to Julian, Trill to Human, almost like a baptism. And this time, he seemed satisfied - whatever he was trying to evoke, it was working. Julian waited.

"Inora jokala vok; za Ezri, zhian'tara Rek...." The words began to roll off Jethral's tongue, his voice growing soft with concentration as he repeated the ritual over and over in an unbroken stream. Ezri had grown very still, her breathing steady and measured, somehow in resonance with the cadence. Julian couldn't be sure, but he thought he felt her lips move. _Zhian'par guar'Koj, kal'thai zim guar'vena...._

This time, Jethral's hand remained at his side. But Julian still felt a touch, light and tentative, ghosting across his mind. He froze, and Ezri's arms tightened very subtly around him, encouraging. Closing his eyes, he forced himself to breathe as the telepathic presence drew him gently closer. It's all right, he told himself. This is Ezri - this is Dax. The words continued, melding together. Zhian'tara Rek, pora al zim Dax - this is Dax... it's all right.... 

"Guar'Koj, kal'thai zim guar'vena." 

__

This is me.

He felt her. Closer than the pressure of her body against his, warmer than the smile he couldn't see. Dax. Everything she was, everything she felt, everything he'd ever seen in her eyes. 

"Oh...." His voice was faint, awed. "Ezri, I never imagined...."

"Shh. I know. Just let me in."

He did. Slowly, like water gates sliding open, their minds met and began to bleed together. Dax was careful at first, then grew bolder, pulling him in like another Host mind to explore. He felt her unquenchable curiosity, the passion for life that neither Jadzia nor Ezri had completely revealed to him as yet, burning under the surface. He reached for that part of her; she responded. They embraced, and.... 

He couldn't describe it. He couldn't even try.

They'd lost track of how much time had passed when something seemed to shift in the connection between them, intensify in strength and clarity. There was a sudden urgency, a sense of danger and excitement radiating from them both. Julian was beginning to feel lightheaded; Ezri took several steadying breaths. The kal'thai deepened ever faster, and briefly, Julian wondered if they could stop it, even if they wanted to. 

"Za Ezri, zhian'tara - Rek...." Dimly, as if from a great distance, he heard the chant falter. "Pora al...zim.... I-I'm sorry, I can't - oh, my...."

__

Dax... what's happening...?

And then something between them broke free and slipped powerfully into place, and Jethral's voice, the knowledge of his very existence, was burned away in the exploding light. 

Dax reached out with abrupt intensity, engulfing everything. The flood of emotions jolted him to the furthest reaches of his mind, and his body snapped rigid, jerking his head up, opening his eyes without meaning to. Through the haze covering his senses, he felt Ezri grab his shoulders to hold him steady, pull him close again before the connection could be severed. They locked eyes, breathing heavily. Julian felt, more than saw, the flickers of light that played over them both, the Symbiont's electrochemical energy binding them together. 

Ezri was pale, astonished. Tendrils of blue flame whispered into nothing over her temples. 

Another sudden shift, and the barriers of his mind leapt back to infinite space, faces and voices and centuries of life, so quickly his thoughts reeled. He focused on the Dax he knew, pictured her face when he couldn't see it anymore. _Stay with me, Ezri. Stay with me...._

They were beyond words by the time she responded. Her being simply filled him and held him close, and he was safe, _they_ were safe. Julian felt relaxed and heavy; he closed his eyes. She drew his head forward to rest against hers, and that touch was heat, melding them together. He breathed, her chest rose in rhythm. For an instant, as he let go completely, he couldn't remember where he ended and she began. 

Neither realized his weakness until it was too late. Julian's concentration faltered, then succumbed - the rush of Dax's mind overwhelmed him in a swiftly rising flood. She sensed it and pulled away with a stab of panic, but part of him was caught in the undertow, unable to fight back. Darkness swept over him, and he fell forward into the unknown.

*****

"Oh... oh, no...." Ezri's voice was ragged and uneven, as if she didn't quite remember how to use it. She staggered as Julian collapsed against her, falling to her knees under his weight. His body rolled from her arms to the cold tile floor and lay there, motionless. 

"How did that happen?" Jethral stood nearby, wringing his hands, barely able to speak. "You aren't supposed to be able to do that - how did you do that?"

"Stupid," she rasped. The last flickers of symbiotic energy danced over her body, making her shiver, but she barely touched a hand to her abdominal pocket as she carefully rolled Julian over. "Damn it, that was stupid - Julian? Julian, open your eyes, look at me...."

The Guardian looked dazed. "I don't understand. A Human mind cannot...."

"But he did," Dax said, agitated. "I adjusted my biochemical patterns, I thought his mind could handle it ... it wasn't supposed to go that far." Leaning over the unconscious doctor, she lifted his hand between both of hers and spoke softly. "Julian. Can you hear me? _Julian_."

Jethral knelt. "He is still breathing, but I doubt it is normal for Humans to breathe this shallowly."

Ezri felt for a pulse. Steady, but rapid enough that she was afraid he'd slip into shock. Gods, what had she done? She had brought him here to draw him closer to her, not to put his life in danger! "We have to get him out of here," she said nervously. "Help me cover him up."

"He will need a physician familiar with his kind. I'm afraid that this will attract attention, Parent Dax." Jethral took the blanket he had been sitting on and handed it to Ezri.

"Don't call me that," she snapped, and immediately regretted it. She accepted the blanket and spread the coarse material over as much of Julian as possible. "I'm sorry. Just do what you have to."

The Guardian nodded and left. Within minutes, the pair was transported to a local hospital.


	12. Chapter 11

****

Chapter 11

__

So you call this your free country;  
Tell me why it costs so much to live.

-- Three Doors Down, "I'm Already Here"

"He'll be all right," the doctor assured her. "He'll be a little weak until he recovers, but there was no damage done to him or to the Symbiont." Then he gave her a stern glance. "Luckily."

Dax ignored the jab and met the Unjoined Trill's gaze squarely. "May I see him?"

The man pursed his lips, looking nervous but trying to hide it. "I don't know if that's a good idea. Seeing you after what he experienced.... I don't know how a Human would react. The strain might...."

"He's not that fragile," Ezri said. "Seeing me won't send him into a relapse."

"You can't know that for sure."

"Actually," she said slowly, "I can."

The doctor couldn't quite argue with that, but he didn't relent either. Dax sighed. She hated doing this, but she was running out of options and patience. "Look," she muttered. "I'm a Joined, you're an Unjoined. I know that shouldn't give me any particular power over you, but I don't want you to get in trouble for disobeying me either. Let me see him. I promise we won't be long."

He sighed heavily. Then, finally, he nodded. Ezri didn't wait for him to lead the way; she walked past him through the wide doors of the ICU and glanced around until she located Julian, who was sleeping on a biobed in a shadowed corner, partially concealed from the rest of the room by a curtain. She moved swiftly across the chamber, pulling a stool with her so she could sit next to him.

The subdued rush of memories at seeing him again was a bit confusing. Equally as strange as it felt to have Joran separate from the rest of her Joined mind after performing the Rite of Emergence, seeing Julian lying there made her feel like a part of her was misplaced. Only now, the memories held nothing but warmth and affection, and she wished she could recapture that moment of incredible closeness between them. She settled for reaching out and touching his face. 

Julian stirred. She could see he was still a bit disoriented, and she made a soothing noise as his eyes fluttered open. His gaze darted about the strange room before finally meeting with hers. 

Ezri pressed his hand. "Hey."

He didn't answer at first; for a while, he simply laid there, holding her hand and gazing into her eyes. Dax briefly wondered how much he remembered, how much of her he'd seen before the connection had broken. Whatever it was, he seemed to search for it in her face for a long moment. Then a slight smile crossed his expression, and he swallowed to clear his throat. "I was... just thinking of you."

She laughed a little, suddenly sheepish. "That's funny - I was just thinking of you."

Julian gave her a tired grin. Then his brow creased. "What happened?" he asked. It wasn't the question of a confused, incoherent patient; there was honest curiosity in his eyes.

"I pushed too far," Dax said. "I never meant to Join that completely. It was going all right, but then I guess I was ... caught up in the moment...."

"I see," he replied, teasing. "So you took advantage of my blushing symbiosis virginity."

The image of herself as a devious seductress made her laugh, just as Julian knew it would. But her guilty expression returned quickly. "I'm so sorry about this. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't," Julian said gently. "I'm all right."

"I know, but ...."

"Ezri." He pressed her hand tighter, waited for her to meet his eyes. There was amazing tenderness there. "What happened between us... it was incredible. No one has ever trusted me - _loved_ me that much before. Whatever wrong you think you've done, believe me, it was worth it."

Seeing the way he looked at her, Dax felt better in spite of herself. She leaned forward and kissed him softly, then rested her head next to his on the flimsy hospital pillow and let out a resigned sigh. "You do realize that Kira's going to have a fit when you tell her."

Julian made a thoughtful noise. "Actually, I was hoping you'd tell her."

*****

Tallis Krafor wanted to run. Already, the echo of his footsteps clattered frantically along the empty corridor; his long ceremonial robes billowed and tangled around his legs. But his head whirled, and he felt unsteady. If he ran, he might fall and injure himself. He had to be careful. 

Somewhere inside him, Krafor's thoughts whispered. Apprehension, discomfort. _I'm not well. Something's wrong. _

"But there might be a way," Tallis spoke aloud. His voice echoed with the footsteps. He took comfort in hearing the words. "It's not too late!" 

His hands trembled slightly as he lifted the padd he held and read the message there for the hundredth time. He hadn't been able to believe it at first sight, he could barely believe it now as he studied the words carefully. Surely he'd misinterpreted a sentence, missed some detail. 

But no. It was clear.

__

A Joined woman and a Human man have been brought to Korrigan Provincial Hospital. The woman gave her name as Ezri Tigan, and identified the Human as her traveling companion, Julian Bashir.

Ezri Tigan Dax was noted as showing signs of strong neural activity during her examinations nine days ago. We have managed to access Korrigan's medical files; Bashir suffered from mild neural shock. A scan shows brain waves that are an unmistakable match to those of the Dax Symbiont. The patterns are faint but amazingly stable. Evidence strongly suggests that full Joining was somehow achieved between Bashir and Dax, although we are not sure how long the connection may have lasted.

We consider this a matter of great importance to our current objective, and have declared it highest priority. Enclosed are fully documented biographical and medical records for Tigan and Bashir, as well as relevant access codes and classified files....

Tallis reached the door of his private antechamber and locked himself inside. He had to pause a moment, leaning against the wall for support. "A success," he whispered. His heart pounded. "I don't understand... someone like her - and a Human...! But Winds, a success! There might be a way!" 

The adrenaline following the thought made him tremble. He took several deep breaths and passed the fabric of his sleeve over his brow. After a moment, he slowly straightened and squared his shoulders, gathering the control he demanded of himself. Calm passed over him in a cooling wave, although it was harder to summon than it should have been. 

"It's all right," he murmured. "I will be well."

Krafor's motion was graceful, unhurried as he walked to his desk. Taking a seat, he arranged his robes around him and smoothed his expression. He activated the comm unit and opened a private channel to the Charoula Monastery.

"I wish to speak to Mother Guardian Paela," he told the young novice who answered. His voice was saddened. "I'm afraid I have bad news."

*****

A slap on the wrist. The repercussions from the Trill Symbiosis Commission ended up being little more than a slap on the wrist. 

"I just don't get it," Dax said blankly, stepping off the transporter platform of the _Niabrara_. "These are the same Commissioners that faint at the slightest breach of protocol, and all we get is a written reprimand? It doesn't make any sense."

Behind her, Julian gave a subdued laugh and tugged at the collar of his Starfleet uniform. "Well, don't worry. Kira has plenty of grief to hand us when we get back."

Ezri grimaced. Judging from the speed with which the Colonel had ordered them back home, they were in more than a little trouble. And as Dax's superior officer, Julian had to shoulder most of the blame. "Wow. I hope she didn't flay you alive _too _badly."

"Oh, she did. But she won't kill me. New doctors are too expensive these days." Julian paused for a second, thoughtful. "Maybe the Commission just decided to go easy on us. You know how much they hate to attract negative attention - maybe what happened just wasn't worth the effort. I mean, a kal'thai with a non-Trill isn't exactly illegal, is it?"

"No, but it's frowned upon quite sternly," Dax muttered. "Particularly when it's performed without proper authorization. And then there's our case...."

"I know." Despite his chagrin, Julian couldn't hide a still-disbelieving smile. "That... isn't exactly the way kal'thais tend to go. Even between two Trill."

Dax released a breath as they walked up to the controls. "We owe Jethral a huge favor, that's for sure. Things could have gone a lot worse without his discretion."

"I'll be sure to thank him, if Kira ever allows me within a thousand light-years of Trillian again." Julian placed a hand on Ezri's back and got her seated at the helm before taking his place beside her. Exhaling briskly, he tapped the controls awake. "Activating impulse engines. Let me know when we're clear to leave orbit."

She didn't answer right away. She looked down at her seat, then out the viewport, then back at Julian. After a while, he seemed to feel her staring and glanced at her quizzically. 

Full realization dawned a moment later. Almost without thought, Julian had made sure to give her the starboard side. 

Dax smiled softly. "Still worth it?"

He grinned back. "What do you think?"

She didn't know what to say. And even more than that, she knew that as far as he was concerned, she didn't have to say anything. Still smiling, Ezri returned her attention to the displays in front of her and tapped in a query. "We're clear. Traffic's dead at the moment, oddly enough." 

"All right. Setting course for Bajor, one-quarter impulse."

The runabout pulled into motion, swinging back toward Trillian as it sped up to break orbit. Ezri looked at the continents rimmed with dark water and said her last goodbye to the sprawl of the capitol city below. 

Then a thread of movement caught her attention, and she leaned forward. "Well, that's strange...."

Julian glanced idly in her direction. "Hm?"

Dax reconfigured the scanners and checked her equipment again. The results made her turn a concerned glance toward the vessel that was now easy to recognize. "There's a ship approaching from the surface on an intercept course. Either I missed the notification, or they didn't get proper clearance."

"What? We should have picked them up on our scanners before this." He leaned over to read her display, frowning slightly. "Were we expecting an escort, Ezri?"

"If they were an escort, they would have informed us before we left," she muttered, darting her fingers across the board. "And they wouldn't be trying to mask their signature, either. We'd better hail the-"

Without warning, the runabout bucked violently, and sparks burst from the circuitry behind Ezri, knocking her to the deck. She shielded her head with her arms; points of pain burned into her exposed hands.

"What the _hell..._!" Julian flailed for balance against the helm, then stabbed at the controls. Shields went up just as the second shot rocked them even harder than before. "They're attacking us! Who are they?!"

Somehow, she managed to pull herself back into the chair. Her eyes scanned reflexively over the diagnostics, and her stomach clenched. "Direct hit to our weapons array - phasers are offline. Julian, it's a military vessel!"

He only hissed in reply, struggling to pull the runabout out of range and go to warp. But the larger ship was too fast, the shots battering them in all directions. The displays flickered and threatened to fail. Ezri worked frantically to open a communications link and call for help. If they could just get a message to Deep Space Nine before....

The panel beeped ominously. Subspace block. They couldn't get through. _Damn it, why are they doing this?!_

The runabout shuddered at the next volley, and for an instant the lights of the control panel went out entirely. Julian cursed. "We've lost shields!"

Ezri whirled back toward the viewscreen in time to see the ship pull into position directly in front of them, its Commission Guard insignia clearly visible. Her hands balled into fists. "They're firing...!"

Three shots in rapid succession slammed into the _Niabrara_, penetrated the warp engine as if the hull were made of plywood. Anger and despair burned through her as white-hot energy burst outward, engulfing them both, clenching every muscle in her body....

...then cresting with a familiar tingle and ebbing away to abrupt stillness. 

__

Transporter!

Everything was happening at once by the time her vision had cleared. The first people she laid eyes on were rushing toward her, grabbing her roughly. Somewhere behind her and to her left, she heard Julian's cry of alarm. 

The Trills' faces were grim, impassive. Dax writhed to escape, her breath tearing her throat. One of the men stepped in front of her and pinned her wrists to her sides in an attempt to force her still. Her knee snapped up, found its mark. The guard wheezed in intense pain and doubled over. Somehow, in the fray, she managed to wrestle free for one instant and whirl toward the sound of Julian's voice. He was fighting desperately, struggling toward her. 

"Ezr-"

A phaser rang out - Julian convulsed. Another shot jerked him forward, spun him to the right. He fell heavily at her feet. 

He didn't move.

"No!" Hands gripped her and forced her back. Ezri screamed in rage. "Let go of me! _Let me go!"_

"Careful," a guard said. "Dax is not to be harmed." Assessing her coolly, he added "The Host, however...."

One of the grips on her arm let go. Barely a heartbeat later, a hand chopped savagely downward at the side of her neck. Bright pain flashed, and she staggered and went limp, her vision blurring. 

"She's out," she heard one of them say. "We'll take care of him. Beam her to Gi'Penna."

Darkness remained close around her as the transporter's whine rose again. A moment later, the ship, Julian, and any hope of safety dissolved away into nothing.

__ ****

End of Book One

*****

To be continued in_ Book Two: The Disease_


End file.
